Well, I have at least a few more things to say about Jason:
Jason had to go on a business trip in the middle of March. I knew it was coming up and it would only be a couple of days. My days are so mixed up that I seem to rarely pay attention to the actual date (unless it is the 5th and sometimes the 10th). I don't see very far ahead. Usually a day if I am lucky. I didn't realized he was really going until a day or two before. He hasn't gone out of town since we found out about Eli's diagnosis. He had one trip back in September that someone went on for him because we were too nervous about what was going on. I have been so dependent on Jason, so I was little worried with him leaving. I am not really a dependent person. I am pretty self sufficient and don't NEED Jason every second. Well, right now I do, and I was worried about him leaving. He is the one I need and go to. There isn't really a substitute for him. It is very strange for me to need him so much, because I am usually okay. I have discovered that if I fall, he will catch me. I have never "fallen" quite like this. I have never needed that. I didn't expect to need it. I have learned that when it really matters Jason is there. What a beautiful thing to experience.
Several weeks ago, we were having a conversation....rather I was talking, a bit frantically, I recall, and he was patiently listening. I preface a lot of my thoughts with, "Don't hold me to this," or "You know how I REALLY feel, but I need to get this off my chest," etc. I need to say things, sometimes, to get them out of my system, but would have to throw in a testimony at the end with a lot of people so they would know what my true feelings are. I have learned that Jason isn't going to lecture me on irrational thoughts and uncontrolled feelings. I don't have to preface things anymore. At one point during our "conversation," he said something to the effect that "I understand that what you say and feel today is only limited to today. I know that it may change dramatically in a day or week. It could all change in 10 minutes. I'm okay with that. You can tell me." I think I was speechless for 3 or 4 seconds; which hardly ever happens. I looked at him and thought, "You are the smartest man alive". Seriously, those were the exact words in my head, and I don't throw around compliments haphazardly. A man that allows me to have crazy and irrational and angry or depressed thoughts and doesn't try to FIX it! Jason doesn't.
You should have seen him the first 6 weeks after Eli died. Making lunches for the kids, doing their homework with them, making dinner, taking them to gymnastics, and taking care of me. What was I doing? I have no idea. I was wandering around in a fog half dead and the other half drunken with sorrow and pain. He just did everything. I didn't even realize it until he left to go back to work. I thought I would be "forced" to do the things I used to. I wasn't actually forced, because I still didn't do a lot of things. I never imagined I could feel like that and need to be cared for like a toddler. It isn't in my nature.
I don't usually need people to speak for me. I am quite capable and usually Jason would never even try to assume that role, but he has done that for me on more than one occasion. It makes me feel slightly sick and terribly feeble to think about, but he did it because I couldn't.
This experience has greatly strengthened our marriage. I know that I can go to him. He never makes me feel like I am wasting his time or that he is sick and tired of hearing me talk. And, if you only knew how long I can talk you would be astounded. Truly. I don't ever feel like I need to pull myself together and put on a fake happy face to make him happy. I can just be myself, which I think it a little frightening right now. Many a man would be frightened by me. He is confident in my ability to make it through this when I am not. There have been times when my heart is so heavy and my strength almost nonexistent. He believes I will be okay. There have been many times where that has been enough for me. I believe he can see something I obviously can't and he reassures me over and over and over again. I have put so much weight on him to carry so much of my burden. I have unloaded so, so much on him. I have to dump it somewhere and there isn't a lot of places you can dump some of this crap. I don't know how he carries it. I don't know how he carries our family. I don't know how he grieves and carries his own weight and mine. I really don't know, but I love him. I had no idea our relationship would ever be like this. I never thought I could get to a point where I would need it, but I am grateful that he has risen far beyond what seems humanly possible. I am grateful that when I need to be dependent on him, I can be.
I am happy to say that I am doing better than when I wrote this. I am less dependent and more interdependent with Jason now. I am grateful for this experience because it has taught me that if I fall, he will be there.
