Ode to Tawny

This is a bit overdue, I must say.  I want to tell you a little something about my sister-in-law, Tawny.  She married Jason's only brother, only sibling, Justin.  She is a breath of fresh air to me.  If you know Tawny, you know she says what's on her mind.  She doesn't mince words and doesn't vacillate.  She is pretty firm in her opinions (of which she has many). but I appreciate them all, even if I don't agree, because she isn't afraid to take a stance.  But, besides all of that, the one thing that I love about Tawny is her ability to love.  She loves people....it seems all people.  She is kind and compassionate and doesn't like to see injustice.  She is a genuine soul.

She was such a support and strength to me through my pregnancy.  She was always sensitive to me. She knew I was hurting and certainly didn't carry on as if I was fine.  I really needed it.  I knew I could depend on her.

When we started talking about the logistics surrounding the day Eli was born, I needed someone to take my kids.  I needed someone who knew them well- who they were comfortable with.  But, I knew that asking someone to do this was not asking an ordinary favor.  I knew my kids would be extremely anxious and unsure (as we all were) surrounding this time.  I wasn't sure what kinds of things they would ask Tawny.  I needed someone who could field all kinds of life and death and uncertainty questions.  I felt it was too much to ask anyone, but I didn't have much of a choice.  I needed someone to be their mom (while I wasn't there) through this terribly emotional ordeal.  I was so grateful she agreed to do it.

We talked a lot prior to this trying to figure out "possible scenarios."  We didn't know how long Eli would live.  We had to talk a lot of about the "what if's" surrounding his birth and death.  I wanted this part of it to be as peaceful and sweet as it could be for my other kids.  I wanted it to be an experience that strengthened our family and didn't cause them too much distress.  I wanted them to feel how important they were as Eli's siblings.  I was worried that if he were alive for a few days the kids wouldn't want to leave the hospital.  I was worried he would die when they weren't there and they wouldn't get to say goodbye to him.  I didn't want to talk or plan the specifics because I just didn't know, but we had to have some sort of a "plan."  Tawny wanted  to know what I wanted.  She needed to know what I wanted.  She had to do this impossible task, and I wasn't even sure what to tell her.  It was very difficult for me to talk about because most of my concerns related to the timing of his death, and that was very hard for me to talk about.

We talked about it as best we could.  After all was said and done, the circumstances worked out just beautifully.  The kids were there when Eli passed away and it was a very fluid and natural process.  It was a beautiful experience for our family.  I knew that Tawny would have to take them home after this event.  She handled their questions and concerns as good as I could have imagined doing myself....probably better.  I needed her to be their MOTHER while I wasn't there....not just a caregiver.

When we were at the hospital, the kids went down with my dad and Tawny to get some dinner.  Katelyn told me later that she was very worried that Eli would die while she was gone (which was certainly within the realm of possibility at that point).  She told me that Tawny told her that wouldn't happen.  She kept assuring her.  Katelyn asked me how she knew. I think an angel must have whispered this to Tawny.  She DIDN'T know and wouldn't have presumed to know THAT.  Just as the angel said, Eli waited until the kids got back before he left.

There was one particular moment at the cemetery where Tawny was in the right place at the right time and I really needed someone to be there.  Me and Jason were driven to the cemetery in a car with Eli's casket.  We were a bit late, as I couldn't quite bring myself to do what had to be done.  Everyone was already there waiting for the graveside service.  We parked the car and I knew the next step was to carry Eli's little casket to his grave. It was one of the things that I had dreaded the most.  It was certainly the most public thing that I dreaded, but I wanted to do it.  Me and Jason had decided to do it together.  I lost all ability to control my emotions when we drove through the gates.  I can't describe how I felt and I'm not going to try right now.  I surely couldn't do this....not this.  I got out the car and Tawny was standing right there.  She just held me while I cried and told me it was going to be okay.  I didn't think it was going to be okay, and I doubt she did either, but I needed someone right there at that moment.  I finally composed myself and was able to do it.

So, what is it about Tawny that makes her such a wonderful person?  I would have to say that it is her innate ability to love.  She never has to force this because it is so natural.  I thought of this scripture in reference to her:

 Moroni 7: 46-47: Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. 

It shall be well with her.

I understand better that, without charity, ye are nothing.  You can do all the "right things:"  go to church, pay your tithing, read your scriptures, say your prayers, but if none of that ever becomes part of you, if it doesn't develop this constant, pure love in you,  it is all for naught.  I understand that better after being around Tawny.   I see that despite our weaknesses, charity is the thing we have to have to become like God.

She came to my house the day after I delivered Eli.  I was in a daze and was still very much recovering from the previous day when I had given birth.  I needed some womanly things that I hadn't gotten.  My brain never made it past the delivery, so I hadn't prepared the things I would need when I got home.  I didn't want to think about the time when I got home.  She brought what I needed.  
She was there to help with my milk coming in.  She was able to help me through some of this with her kindness and compassion, but also through humor.  Being able to laugh through some of that seemed unfathomable to me, but we did.  I wonder now, how I was laughing, but I'm so grateful that there was laughter among the tears.  I never asked her to do any of this.

Tawny has taken me out on many a Saturday to just talk.  She has been so consistently caring and knows that I need her to initiate our little dates.  I can make it there, but that is about it.  I talk and talk and talk and she listens and validates and validates and validates.  

I know I have left many things out and that Tawny is probably embarrassed a little right now, but I don't give empty compliments.  It isn't in my nature.  I'm not even sure I love this idea of public praise,  because sometimes the intentions are off.  But, I really did want everyone to know Tawny a little better.  If I say I think the world of you, I really do. I love you.  Thank you for marrying Justin.  I may have benefited as much as he has. 

Simple and Complex

I was thinking the other day about when we first found out about Eli.  It was simple.

Eli was coming to get a body.  He didn't need to stay here and be tested.  I had the privilege of providing that for him.  I would miss him, but it would be okay.  The end.

That is the simple version.

I won't write the complex version, but sufficed to say, I have written hundreds and hundreds of pages about it; about every little detail; every nook and cranny; new places inside me that I didn't know existed; dirty places in me that needed some cleaning; beautiful places in me that needed to be realized.  It has been anything but simple.  It has blasted a hole in my whole being and nothing looks the same anymore.  I see things I never thought I would have to face.  MY grief wouldn't be like that.  I have fallen apart and acted in ways that I would never act.  I have thought about things that no one would ever want to think about. I have done things that no mother EVER wants to do.  It has become very complicated as I try to live in two places at once.  It is painful as I feel the pull and need to live in mostly one place.  I have felt darkness and pain that I never anticipated.  I felt light and knowledge beyond my comprehension.  I feel that I examine and analyze every tiny portion of this journey.  Every portion of Eli's life, before he came, when he was here, and his life now. I examine my life in the same context.  I try to understand what God has told me, what He is telling me and what it means.  I am finding that I see the same things differently as time goes on.  I get a new insight as I think about the same things over and over again.  It seems there is a lifetime of information and learning to be found in the last 9 months.  It seems there has been a lifetime of emotion in that time; sorrow, anger, gut wrenching pain, gratitude, depression, confusion, humility, pride (the good and bad kind).  I could go on and on. I haven't wanted to leave one stone unturned or one path untouched.  I wanted the whole experience.  I am not hiding from it. I believe I am getting it.  It is very complicated.

I started thinking about the nature of God in conjunction with this idea.  I thought about how God is very simple in some ways.  The doctrines of the gospel, the essential ones, can be understood by most children.  God created us.  God loves us.  God directed the creation of our world.  God wants us to return to Him, but we can't do that, in our fallen state, without an completely pure and clean sacrifice. God sent His Son to atone for our sins and give us the power to return to live with Him.  God will not give up on any of us because He doesn't want any of us to be lost.  The end.

But, God is also complicated.  I think about the human body.  The heart with its own electrical system; the eye with a self focusing lens; cells that automatically regenerate themselves.  I think about the intricacies of our world; the climate, the food chain.  I think about how God put us all on this Earth at this time and somehow intertwines our lives perfectly so that we can have the greatest potential to get back to Him.  We couldn't even do that with one person.   We couldn't have the right person see someone at the park and talk to them, or have the perfect song on the radio, or have the right co workers at the right time, or time the traffic to avert an accident and on and on.  He does that with every single one of us. It is a highly complicated system that involves billions of people on this side of the veil and the other side.  It is perfectly orchestrated.  It is highly complicated.

I was feeling a little bit weird about the fact that I have made this so complicated.  I thought, "I needed to go back to the original thought and stop over thinking everything."  But, I also realized that there is beauty in it because we see things we didn't see before.  We are aware of a blessing that we didn't notice.  We learn a great truth that came after a tough question.  I think we have to be both: simple and complicated, but for different reasons.

But, I guess in the end, it really is simple.  Do I trust God or not?  Do I believe that He can do what He said He could do?  Do I believe that He will make ALL things work together for my good?

Yes

Do I need to understand the intricacies of His work to trust Him?

No

That's good because I don't.

Back to Normal

I used to wonder what life would be like after Eli died.  I used to wonder when I would feel "good" or "normal" again. I even wondered that right after he died.  "When will I feel like 'myself' again?"  as if that were the most desirable thing. It's interesting where grief takes you.  I don't really care if I feel like "myself" again.  I'm not upset about who I used to be or how I used to feel, but that isn't really my goal anymore.  I think my journey has helped me realized that I will never be the same and I don't even want to be.  There are things that I do want back.  I do want my naivety back, but that has been destroyed never to be rebuilt.  I want some semblance of happiness back although I feel different.
My mind and my vision has been irreversibly altered.  I see the plan of salvation in such a clearer and more concrete way.  I no longer see "heaven" as a nice place "somewhere in the sky" or whatever I used to think.  I don't even know what I used to think.  I never thought about it in depth.  I never had to.  I think about it all the time now.  My son lives there, so it matters very much to me.  It isn't an abstract idea anymore.  I am tethered to a place that I have never seen but is as real to me as this earth.  Part of me lives there so it is tangible to me now.

I guess I realize that getting back to my "old life" isn't an option for me and that doesn't bother me anymore.

5 months

Connectivity has little to do with locality.  For me, at least.

Eli.... I love you. XOXO

Mom

Easter reflections

As I think about the resurrection of Jesus Christ during this Easter weekend, my thoughts are a lot different than they used to be.  I used to think about Jesus Christ and his life, death and resurrection, but it was never profoundly personal, like it is now. When someone you love is in the grave, the resurrection no longer becomes something we sing about and look at a picture of.  It is about the person you love.  It is about the hope of seeing them again- whole, in a glorious and perfected state.  It isn't something I am just "grateful" for anymore.  It isn't part of the story.  It is the story.  It is the  reason that the things preceding His resurrection matter so much.  It is everything.  Without that hope, there would be no purpose for life.  There would be no reason to go on.  There would be nothing but darkness and despair.  I truly mourn with hope.  Because Jesus Christ broke the bands of death,  I live with the sure hope that I will hold Eli again.  And this time, it won't be for 5 hours or even 5 years.  It will be forever....never to be separated again.  It has become an anchor to everything I experience as I feel the loss and sorrow at our separation.  I have a very clear image of what that reunion will look like.  I imagine the cemetery; the place I have gone to so many times and left with empty arms, and sometimes, an empty heart.  There will come a time where there will be no more emptiness, no more tears of sorrow, no more pain. I think of it often.  Eli is buried by many other babies and children.  It is a very sacred spot of ground.  There is purity and tenderness there.  It feels tangible at times.  I imagine all the other mothers, who yearn for their children. I imagine them being there, kneeling upon the ground.  

Revelations 21:4: And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.  

When we were at the mortuary, preparing Eli's body to be buried, Jason was holding him in some of our last moments.  He looked at me and asked if wanted to hold him one last time.  I looked at him very intently because his words had pierced my heart.  I told him that this wasn't the last time.  He knew that, of course, but he meant for now.  I wouldn't even hear it.  I know that our separation is temporary.  I knew it wouldn't be the last time and the next time Eli would be warm and soft and full of life.  

I read a talk awhile back, about the "power of the resurrection."  It opened my eyes to some important truths that I hadn't considered.

Our Great Potential- Spencer W. Kimball

Truly, truly it is a happy Easter as it reaffirms the reality of Jesus Christ as the victor over the grave.  He broke the bands of death that would enslave us for eternity had it not been for His atonement.  I have a very deep sense of reverence and gratitude for Christ giving me something that I NEED; that is precious and dear; that means everything to me.  The chance to be reunited with Eli.  The knowledge that I will be. 

Someday, all graves will be empty.

There's always something to be thankful for

I wrote this back in early December.  I thought about it today.

"There is always something to be thankful for.  I have been surprised by this.

I am grateful that Eli was born and died on the same day.  It's not that I didn't want him here, but when I think of that day, I will think about his birth and not his death.  There won't be two separate dates for this.

I am thankful that I have somewhere to visit that helps me to feel close to Eli.  I never thought I'd be thankful to visit a cemetery, but I am.

I am thankful that we have the money to buy a headstone for him.  There are some babies at the cemetery that don't have headstones.  I'm not sure why.  I wonder if it is financial issue.  I' grateful that I have the ability to give him that (or give myself that).  It just feels more comfortable.

I am thankful that this happened while the kids are in school instead of during the summer. I'm having a hard time doing very much and it would be much more difficult if it were summertime and they were home.

I am grateful for the timing of the seasons.  The fact that it is winter makes me feel like the earth is mourning with me instead of mocking me with new blossoms and fresh growth."

I am grateful that I had those thoughts back in December.  That was not a particularly light time for me.  I wanted a harsh winter with too much snow and too much ice.  It seemed appropriate.  It didn't happen and we had a rather mild winter.  I think we did, at least.  I'm not sure how I feel about spring.  It seems a bit premature for me, but I can't seem to stop time from moving forward.  It snowed this morning and I was secretly happy about it.  It felt like a relief... it made sense to see it.

Still going

I really had no idea I had so much to say... I didn't think I would still feel the need to write ALL THE TIME in April.... I started using this blog again, back in July, to update people on the status of our pregnancy.  It, then, became a place to allow me to collect my thoughts, in an somewhat orderly manner, and record them.  It has been helpful and healing.  Anyways, I just didn't realize that so much would be coming out of me for this long.
And that must lead into my next idea about things being both simple and complex...I have a lot to say about that in the near future.