Bad Liar

I am a terrible liar.  I don't think I have ever been really "good" at lying.  I never tried to be. I speak of this mostly in terms of showing my true feelings or opinions; not at trying to deceive people.  I don't feel the need to deceive people (very often), and I never saw the need to pretend like I was something that I wasn't.  Some people like it.  Some people don't.  I didn't care very much.

I have definitely had a conflict about this since Eli died.  At first, I didn't feel the need to pretend I was feeling a certain way just to appease people.  As time went on, I did feel the need around certain people, but I am so bad at it and not very invested in expending the energy it would take to pretend, so I just end up avoiding  people. I remember, very distinctly, the first time I felt I had to "hide" how I felt.  I think I did a terrible job, but luckily, many people aren't that perceptive and are more involved in their own thoughts, so they don't notice, (so maybe you don't have to be good at it??).  I'm not sure if this person noticed.

There was a point when I had so much going on inside and I was just losing it everywhere. It was like I had to throw up and I was letting is spew. I was throwing up whenever I had to; on people's clothes, on the floors, but not always in the privacy of my own bathroom. I got to a point where I could hold it in. I'm not sure why I thought that was a better idea but it seemed necessary. I wish I hadn't felt that,  but I did. I felt I had to hold it in. So, I started swallowing big chunks; things that were too big to swallow and incredibly painful to do so, but I felt I had to. I never quite understood that before. I thought if you're upset about something, it's okay to say it. You don't need to be rude about it but it's okay to express your feelings. But there comes a point with certain people where you can't. Or it feels like you can't.  

If I am having a "good day" I can interact.  If something burns or stings me, I can hide it.  It doesn't overtake me.  If I am fragile, I stay inside my house.  I try not to have contact with anyone because I am too raw and open and  know I won't be able to handle it and I won't be able to hide that I can't handle it.

The conflict I have is: Should I pretend?  From a "logical" standpoint, the answer is no.  I wouldn't want someone to pretend.  I would want to know.  But, I know that not everyone is like that.  Everyone wants to say they are like that, but they just aren't.

My heart hurts all the time. Sometimes it is a little.  Sometimes it is a lot.  Sometimes it feels like a dull ache or a sore muscle.  Sometimes it leaves me breathless and sends me to my knees as if it is a physical pain.  I wish it were a physical pain.