I wasn't sure how I would feel this year; it being a year since finding out that Eli would die. I found it strange that I wanted to do things EXACTLY like we did last year. I didn't want any deviation from our standard traditions, so we did it EXACTLY like last year....except for a few obvious changes. This year I am not pregnant. The unknown things that were sitting on our shoulders last year are now sitting on our shoulders as known things.
I remember last year VERY well. It had only been hours since our ultrasound when we dove into the fourth of July festivities. We questioned whether or not to do what we normally did, but we didn't know what else to do. We had to "keep on living." And just to clarify, when people say that you have no choice but to "keep on living," they are wrong. There are times when you don't keep living your life; you don't carry on....but last year we did. I remember that day very well. I walked around in a haze; conscious of what was happening around me, but felt like I was detached and everything was blurry. Everything seemed to move so fast. People were so unaware. Life had taken a pretty harsh turn and I was reeling. I was numb in many ways last year. But, I also remember all of the little details; what people wore, who we saw, where we stood. I remember trying to understand what was happening. I remember people talking about "our situation" when I wasn't there, only to have Jason tell me all about it later. That was the first of a long list of conversations where Jason served as voice because people were to scared to approach me.
This year I wanted to go through those same motions with different eyes. I read somewhere that we recreate situations or emotions in our lives in order to heal from them. I like this idea. It seems true. I wanted to face life this year. I want my wounds to heal.
This year I couldn't believe how vivid the memory of last year was. The sounds, the sights, the smells, the heat....it brought it all back. I saw a lot of new babies and just kept thinking about how they didn't even know about this child at this time last year and yet here they were; holding that perfect little one without a thought that it could have ended so differently. During the balloons, I saw one mom with a very small baby. It appeared that many of the family members were meeting the baby for the first time. Everyone was doting on the mom. She walked like she was royalty. She was just reveling in the attention she and her precious bundle were getting. I just kind of stared at them. It was hard to watch. I guess we could have moved, but there would have been another new mom with a new baby anyways, so it didn't really matter. That's UT county for you.
I felt stuck in my emotions of last year and wondered how everyone else had moved on. I felt very anxious....like I was waiting for something to happen; probably a mirror of last year as I waited to know Eli's fate. It was weird to feel anxious about it again.
That evening we did watch the fireworks with my dad. I think I will have to save an entire post for those thoughts. I was waiting for the miraculous experience I had last year.
Overall, the day was a good as I could have hoped or expected it to be. Last year I wondered if the fourth of July would forever be changed because of Eli. I wondered if it would be a somber time. It is forever changed, but in a good way. I am happy to have hit that one year mark and to have made it through. I am glad I am here (in 2015) rather than there (2014). But, in 2014 I had Eli inside me, so I guess I could go either way on that.
