I had a beautiful white, crocheted blanket that my friend, Haley, gave to me. I remember her bringing it over to my house one night when I was in the backyard. I had wanted something special to bless him in and this was just beautiful. It was what I wanted without knowing it. I was surprised and grateful when she gave it to me. I knew it was awkward, in some ways, for people to give me things for Eli. I knew, and they knew, I might never use them and I wonder if they worried that giving me something like this would make it more painful in the end. It didn't make it more painful. I was so grateful for the love I felt from such gestures and it made me feel like they acknowledged Eli. They didn't just ignore that he was my child because he might not live long.
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I had a two identical blankets that my sister, Heather, made for me. One would later be cut up to make a bear with and the other would be kept.
I had several outfits: two preemie sleepers and two newborn sleepers. I remember picking these out. It was so hard to pick out things that he might never wear. I didn't want to buy too much, but I didn't want to buy too little. I said to myself that I would be ready should need Eli something, but if he didn't, I would be okay with it. I didn't take a great deal of time picking these things out because I didn't want to get too attached to them.
I had several hats. I bought a few...different sizes, of course.
My friend, Jennifer, made me several hats. She brought one over, many weeks before we had Eli, and asked if I liked the hat. She told me of several different styles she could make and was willing to do any of them. The little blue hat sat on my counter, in a ziploc bag, for probably 6 weeks and I never got back to her. I looked at that hat everyday, but I just didn't know what to tell her. My brain couldn't wrap around the idea of how big or small he might be. At the time, I had wanted to take some sweet pictures of him and wanted a hat for this. I wasn't sure if this would be possible and didn't want to set my heart in anything. So the hat sat there and sat there. Then, one day, a few weeks before I had Eli, she brought over several hats. She had made 7 or 8....I can't remember. She made several different sizes so that he would have one that fit him. I was so touched and wasn't sure what to say. I didn't feel like I could adequately thank her for her foresight and thoughtfulness. I was so grateful. I felt bad that I had never gotten back to her. I was just paralyzed by everything.
His blessing outfit was a different story. I took a long time trying to figure out what I wanted. My other boys were not blessed in a traditional white outfit. Just a nice handsome Oxford shirt and dress pants. It never felt like a huge deal with them...not like a white dress for a baby girl. But, I wanted him to wear white. I never liked those little suits or tuxedos....I don't know why. It just didn't work for me. So finding a "perfect" white outfit that is not a suit or tuxedo and is a preemie size is a bit tricky. I bought several and had a friend of a friend resize it for me. She did a perfect job and it was exactly what I wanted when she was done. I think I bought four outfits after looking through hundreds. In my fuzzy and distracted state of mind, I didn't take some of them back and they are still sitting in my closet, untouched.
The last thing I packed was his team G onesie. Of course, I had a preemie and a newborn size. I remember getting the plain white onesies in the mail. I wanted a specific brand and they only came in packs of five. I had several extras and wasn't sure what to do with those either. They are also sitting, untouched, in my closet. When they arrived in the mail, I pulled them out of the bag to examine the size. They were so small....ridiculously small. Perfectly small, but sad, in some ways, for me to look at.
So, basically I needed to be prepared for everything and nothing. I needed to have hope that I would get to use these items but not be too sad if I didn't. I needed to have some perfect things for him, but nothing too perfect because then I would feel disappointed and left wanting if he didn't use them.
So, we went to the hospital with our big bag full of blankets, clothes, hats.
Eli only wore one thing out of that big bag while he was alive. He used one blanket. At one point, while Eli was alive, Jason remembered all of the clothes and blankets I had packed. He apologized to me over and over that Eli had never worn a thing. I looked at him, very intently, and told him that it was better this way. He only wore his team G onesie while he was alive and I think the simplicity of that was more suitable than anything I had spent hours picking out. I was perfectly content with what had happened. He was so unstable during his blessing and we thought that he would be gone in minutes. Putting on a silly outfit on was the furthest thing from our minds.
He was perfect and whole just the way he came. He didn't need anything from this world to adorn his little body. It was better that way. It made more sense.
