I started this blog years ago and talked about my family....mostly my kids. I was thinking about how I never write much about them, but mostly write about my journey. I think that it okay for now. Other things do happen in my life but they have been so overshadowed by grief that it is hard to see them sometimes. It is like a thick layer of fog descended on my life and made me unable to see clearly or really see at all.
I think back to Thanksgiving and Christmas.....and then New Year's. And then Valentine's Day. And somehow St. Patrick's day (does that even count?). I know those holidays happened. I vaguely remember some things, but mostly I remember how I felt. I couldn't tell you what we did unless it was in reference to how it affected my emotions. I dont't remember buying things for those holidays. I don't think I bought much? There were times when I couldn't remember what season it was (I know that can be a problem for all people that live in UT because the weather is a volatile as me), but I really had to think about it at times. I took a walk with Lincoln, sometime in December, and wondered when the flowers were going to start blooming. It was 50 degrees or so. Then, I remembered it was almost Christmas. I never seemed to know what day of the week it was.
I muddled through a lot and didn't really see, let alone enjoy, very much. My friend, April, later told me that "muddling rocks!" so I felt okay about what was happnening. It's not like I could do much about it at that point. I am starting to realize that things are happening. Ethan just played a whole season of soccer. My kids are growing and I feel I have missed this for a long time. I have been trying to survive. I am grateful that I feel a lot more moments of purpose now. I can see what is happening now. I think I will write more about my family in the future....because I am starting to see them more now.
