THANK YOU

I went to the doctor today and my regular OB, Dr. T,  was back!  THANK YOU!  I talked with him about everyone having different opinions regarding when I should deliver.  He gave me sound advice.  He seemed to understand where I am coming from better than the other doctors have.  I was soooo happy to talk to him today.  He said that the longest he would let me go would be 38 weeks.  At 38 weeks, there isn't the issue of "prematurity" so I wouldn't have to worry about that being in the back of my mind.  My thinking is that ANY baby born around 34 weeks would need some assistance to live, so if he did pass away I would always question if it was due to prematurity.  He understood that, for my own mental sanity, I need to give Eli the best chance.  I realize that I can't control the outcome, and delivering earlier or later may not even affect the outcome, but I have to do everything that lies in my power to give him the best chance at life.  
So, the plan is to let me carry him until he is 38 weeks unless Eli or I show signs of needing to do it sooner.  I am very comfortable with this plan.  (I will be 38 weeks on November 7th).

home depot

Another trip to home depot. Jason wasn't able to go with us this time.  I would not recommend taking 3 kids to home depot day by yourself.  And, when a three year old throws a tantrum with paint around, it can be messy.  I am still happy we went.  Katelyn wore Eli's apron and made a little bird house for him. 

baby bucket list activity #9: Temple trip

Temple trip to the Provo temple:

  I was at the temple by myself several weeks ago and had the impression that we needed to go to the temple as a family in honor of Eli.  As we were driving to the temple, I thought about how families gather prior to a missionary embarking on his mission.  There are several gatherings, but I think the most important is when we gather at the temple and a new Sister or Elder receives their initiatories and endowment.  It is always overwhelming for the family and the person doing the living ordinance (...for different reasons.  If you have been through the temple you can relate with both of these feelings).  I felt like this was what we were doing with Eli.  I know that he wasn't actually receiving his endowments, but I know that this is part of our progression to return to live with God again.  When they asked if we were there for a living endowment I almost said "Yes." It felt like I was. He is certainly progressing, as are we.  I don't know how this works in heaven... I haven't been there in a while and I can't remember, but I know that we are always progressing.  

This day was symbolic for him progressing in the same way we all progress when we go through the temple prior to our mission; whether that be to a faraway place or another place where God has chosen to send us.  For me, it wasn't to a faraway place.  It was back to the temple to be sealed.  God has a different, perfect plan for each of us. 

Eli will also leave on his heavenly mission soon.  I never thought I would have a missionary so soon.  I have heard many people, who have had a child pass away, say that they feel like their son or daughter is serving a mission on the other side of the veil.  I always thought  this was a nice sentiment, but never understood the reality of it.  I do now.  I know this statement is much more than a nice thing to say or envision.  It is true.

 I kept looking at the date (9-13-14) stamped on my name card and knew there was something significant about the date.  I racked my brain, and we discovered that it was the same day Jason left on his mission 14 years ago.We don't normally celebrate this date or anything, but maybe we will now.  I feel like this was significant.

We are missing a couple of people in the picture.  Tess and Jared left before we took the pictures : (

another doctors appointment

I had another doctors appointment today with my OB.  My regular OB is still gone, which I am not happy about.  I trust him the most and he seems to have all the answers.  They don't know when he will be back?  I hope it's soon.  My blood pressure is fine and his heartbeat was beautiful again.  I had no worries about it.  He is so active and I just love it.  It is so comforting and helps me feel more connected to him. 
I don't have a concrete idea of when Eli will come.  I get different opinions from different doctors.  My perinatologist just wants to keep watching Eli and me and says I could be pregnant for up to 39 weeks.  My alternate OB said that he wanted us to pick a day sometime between 34-36 weeks.  That is quite a difference.  He says the longer we go, the higher the risk of stillbirth.  I wish they had the same opinion because it would be a little easier know what to do.  He told me that there isn't really a "standard of care" for this situation, which leads to different opinions about it.  I don't feel like we can arbitrarily pick a day for him to come without a legitimate reason.  34 weeks is pretty early in my opinion, and  I would not be comfortable having him unless his condition or my conditions started to deteriorate.  I REALLY wish my regular OB  was available because, again, I trust him the most.
With that being said, I am not overly stressed about it.  I know that God will show us the way and help us make this decision. He has been there and guided us with each important decision we have to make, so he will be there this time.  I know that Eli has a plan and he isn't coming one day sooner or later than that  plan.  It's nice to know that someone with all the answers is actually in control, so I don't have to stress over my decision so much.

1,2 or 3

It seems like we have 3 possible immediate outcomes:

1. stillbirth
2. live birth with short life (meaning minutes to hours..maybe days?)
3. live birth with prolonged life (days to weeks?)

There are times when I feel like all of these outcomes are hard...probably because they are.  It was hard for me to wrap my head around each one individually because they are very different.  

I don't really think about him being stillborn.  There's not much to think about and no way to prepare, so I don't.  I know it could happen, but I don't try to process that idea.

When I think about him being born alive my heart leaps inside me.  At first, I was scared of this.  I was scared of meeting my precious child and then having him leave.  That seemed too hard.  I know that will be painful; much more painful than I can fathom, but I wouldn't trade that opportunity for anything...even less pain.  I realize what a sacred privilege that would be.  So then I thought, what would be the MOST IMPORTANT things I could do with Eli and my family if we only had a few minutes or hours.  I would hold him and talk to him and sing to him.  I might ask him questions. I would kiss his little cheeks and his little feet. Jason and the kids would hold and kiss and love him to pieces.  And then Jason would give him a blessing.  I would love for this to happen.  What a beautiful experience to bless this sweet and pure spirit.  I hope for that moment for Jason.  We would have someone take lots of pictures.

The third idea was very hard for me to grasp for some reason.  I couldn't bear to "prepare" things at home and then come home to an empty bassinet and itty, bitty diapers.  I almost decided not to prepare because it seemed so unlikely. 

I was finally able to do this as I thought of Eli.  I thought to myself "Oh, Eli.  I love you so much.  I want to see you and hold you and love you, but I don't know how long you will be here.  I am your mommy and I will have everything ready for you if you need it.  However long I get the privilege to be your mom while you are here on Earth I will prepare for it. Whatever you need, I will be here."

I was able to look past the thought of an empty bassinet and empty diapers.  I realized that carrying these things back to the basement wouldn't be the hardest thing I would have to do anyways.  It wasn't so much about physical preparation as feeling like I could be there no matter what he needed and not worry about how those unfulfilled expectations might affect me emotionally.

field trip

Me and Eli had the opportunity to go with Katelyn on a field trip with her class. We went to the Hutching's museum in Lehi and the pioneer museum in Provo.  I'm not going to lie... I was bored, but I was happy to be there with Katelyn and Eli.  It doesn't matter so much what we do... as long as we are together.

baby bucket list activity #8: aquarium

The Living Planet Aquarium: We took our family to the living planet aquarium last week.  We had never been before and were excited to go because Lincoln talks about turtles all the time.  He thinks that a turtle lives on the mountains to the east of us and frequently goes outside to see him. Sometimes the turtle can't be seen and Lincoln tells us he is sleeping.  No one in our family has any idea what he is looking at, but we talk about it at least a couple of times a day.  He loved seeing the real turtles.