Nearer My God to Thee

We buried Eli on November 10th last year.  The wind was blowing towards the east.  Those who are native to Spanish Fork know that this is a rare occurence.  The wind always blows FROM the east...out of the canyon.  It was significant to me.  We let white balloons go for the first time and they blew towards the east.  What a symbol and comfort that was to me.  I commented on the wind to many people.  Someone said..."A storm is blowing in..."  That may have been the understatement of the year.  I knew a storm was blowing in...it came fast and furiously and nothing could have prepared me for it.

The days leading up to Eli's birthday last week were so sweet and peaceful.  I was surprised, but grateful.  It's not like I've ever done this before.  I don't know what to expect.  I can predict some of the storms or sorrowful moments I will feel, but I am wrong as much as the weather man.  Grief isn't something you can tame, even when it is your own.  It is still unpredicatable.

The weather outside today was what I would have expected with the first snowfall.  Wet and messy and not really that substantial with too much wind and not enough light...just cold and miserable.  It matched how I feel inside.  I'm not sure if I appreciate it or not?

I have been listening to this version of Nearer My God to Thee.  It is by Vocal Point.  I really love so many of their songs, but this one has struck a cord with me as of late.  I have known this song for many years, but a certain line hit me the other day.

In the first verse it says: E'en (even) though it be a cross that raiseth me...  I finally undestand that line in some context.

The song continues in the 2nd verse: darkness be over me...my rest a stone.  Sometimes life feels that way.  The darkness washes over me and it feels as if my only rest is a stone.  I'm not exactly sure what the writer meant by "stone."  Stones are hard and cold and don't remind me to warmth or comfort.  If you are searching for a warm blanket, a stone doesn't really feel that great, but that's what you get sometimes.

I love the line in the 3rd verse that says: Angels to beckon me... Sometimes our lives will be difficult...the storm will come and the comfort we seek won't come as readily as we would like.  But, in that process, I have come closer to God and know that He isn't absent while it is dark.  If I am patient enough and look for it, I can feel and hear those angels beckoning me to keep going.  There will be just a glimmer of light until it grows brighter and brighter.  But in the meantime; and sometimes the meantime is a long time, our relationship with God becomes stronger and deeper if we let it happen and don't lose faith.

Nearer My God to Thee