I wasn't sure what to expect with the 1st birthday. Aren't 1st birthdays sort of infamous. The little one, sometimes walking, sometimes crawling, chubby hands, messy face, too much noise...am I right? I always felt it was more a party for me than my baby. It was a huge milestone...we made it! And look how beautiful my baby is!! I wasn't sure how these previous experiences were going to merge with having a celebration for Eli one year after he came and went. Thankfully, Heavenly Father must work out all of those details because my heart was in such a grateful and peaceful place going into the days before Eli's birthday. I have felt so much gratitude as I think about Eli and his beautiful and meaningful life. I feel like the spirit brought so many things to my remembrance and I could step back and see the impact Eli has had in my life. I could see so many of the things I have learned and the ways I have grown. Taking a step back has been a challenge this last year as so many of my feelings are in the immediacy of life and so big that the other emotions get crowded out. A couple of days before his birthday I felt a peace wash over me. I would talk to people in the few days leading up to his birthday and I think people expected me to be a mess. I wasn't. I felt peace. I felt gratitude. It wasn't just an idea...it had entered into my heart.
Me and Jason talked a long time about how to spend Eli's birthday. We combined our ideas and came up with a plan that felt good.
I had looked at the forecast days in advance and saw that there was a chance of snow on his birthday. I had some pretty intense emotions when the first snow fell last year (more on that another time). I DID NOT want it to snow on his birthday. I needed it to be a sunny day. Well, the closer the day got the smaller the chance of snow, but the clouds didn't look like they were going to dissipate. The morning of his birthday I didn't have my contacts in and Ethan started yelling that it was snowing. I am pretty blind, so I couldn't see it. I got my glasses and sure enough...there is was. The first snow of the year. It was beautiful and delicate as it fell. There wasn't a lot of it falling. I expected it to pick up and the wind to start blowing wildly, like we are so accustomed to in Spanish Fork, but it didn't. It just fell softly and lightly. Me and Jason had previously talked about my first snowfall plight and he reminded me of what we learned about the symbolism of snow this past year:
"Water in all its forms is a symbol of knowledge. Descending water represents the transmission of knowledge from a higher to a lower place, the flow of information from teacher to student. If water (wisdom) were to flow continuously, it would totally submerge and obliterate...so water flows in various measures...rain, ice, snow...which are all metaphors for the teacher monitoring and transforming the flow into forms the student can...assimilate." It goes onto say that snow consists of both earth (dust particles) and water vapor (ice). "Thus snow, being half heaven and half earth provides the perfect intermediary between the two worlds."
Part heaven, part earth...falling from the sky lightly and beautifully....coming to us as knowledge...the snow can be assimilated in time and not all at once, like rain symbolizes.
Oh, and my maiden name is Snow, so I was feeling pretty great after reading this months ago...
I watched as many of the neighborhood kids ran outside. They looked up in awe and wonderment. There aren't many things that can create childlike wonder like the first snow of the year. As I watched so many kids looking up in excitement and awe and I was so happy. This was Eli's day. He has taught us so much. They were seeing beauty. I, too, wanted to look up on this day in awe.
We started the day by going to the temple together. It is a place where we can feel a closeness to Eli that is hard to feel in other places. We had a sweet experience there. When we came out, it was snowing again; this time a little harder, but it was beautiful against the red and orange leaves.
Me and Jason went to lunch and then came home. As we drove around the corner we saw white balloons lining our street. Because we let white balloons go each month, the sight of a white balloon conjures up sweet emotions for me. I wasn't sure what the balloons were for at first. When we pulled into our driveway I realized that they were for us. Our thoughtful neighbors had organized to have white balloons all up and down our street, placing one in front of everyone's house. I can't really describe the beautiful emotions that overcame me. I was surprised...not because they aren't wonderful people; just surprised that people had remembered and that it mattered to them. Eli is our world right now. He is so important to us, but I had no idea that he mattered so much to everyone else. I was deeply touched and so grateful. I didn't want the feeling I had to end. Me and Jason walked up and down the street so we could try and soak in the beauty of those moments. That simple, but very thoughtful and beautiful gesture was one of the highlights of our day as we felt the love and support of so many people that care for our family. I know we have had so much love and support through this. I know that last year at this time there was a huge outpouring of care for our family. But, last year, my heart was so consumed with sorrow that it didn't feel like anything could penetrate it. This year, I think I felt a little of what people had done for us this entire year...it was like I could finally FEEL it instead of just seeing it. I feel so grateful.
The pictures don't really do it justice... it was so beautiful...
When the kids got home from school we went to the cemetery to let our balloons go. This month we made some balloons with our Team G logo on them which was kind of fun. We also had a huge balloon that our friend, Amy, had made for us. We tied near his grave. I love it because it serves a marker. Everyone that comes into the cemetery looks at it because you really can't help but notice it. I feel like is shows how loved and wanted Eli is; how important he is to us. There were many things at his grave...beautiful gifts. It was so touching to know how many people love him and our family. I love Eli...I think about him all the time, but today it felt as if so many peoples' hearts were drawn out towards him. I know that people think about him and our family more often than this special day, but I'm not always aware of it. Today I was and it was sweet. He means so much to me and having other people care about him does something soothing and healing to my heart. The cemetery was mostly good. Lincoln was really having a hard day so there was some usual family drama. After we had been there for a little while Jason started the car and the kids climbed in because it was so cold. Me and Jason took just another minute at his grave. I wanted to sing a special song that we sing to him each night while we were there. I was surprised as my emotions totally overcame me and I couldn't sing. We sing this song all the time... I started to feel such an intense loss and sorrow come over me. My emotions felt so raw and fresh and I wasn't sure I could leave the cemetery without my baby. It's been a long time since I felt that with such intensity. Going into his birthday, people had approached me with such sympathy. I think they thought I would be a mess and this day would be so difficult. I wasn't a mess...I was filled with peace and hope and gratitude. The moment in the cemetery was probably what everyone expected. I hated to feel that way after the beauty I had felt. I had wanted the peace and tranquility to last and last and last...of course it can't, but I was surprised to felt Eli as my sweet, sweet baby that I had to leave. It was awful. But, we had to leave eventually. We still had some things planned and I wanted to enjoy it, but I was honestly so exhausted physically and emotionally and I was just happy the day had been so good for so long. The rest of the day was still sweet, but I feel like my mortal body took over and I felt a lot of "missing you so, so much sweet baby" emotions.
I know...he looks like a perfect angel...He brought his ninja turtle camera to take pictures : )
We went to an ice cream shop called Eli's. I was thrilled to learn they also had steamers...it was a little cold for ice cream. We had the place mostly to ourselves. I'm not sure the ice cream or steamers were the best I've ever had, but the little shop could do no wrong because of it's name.
Then we went and picked up some dinner. The day Eli was born, the doctor came in several times to check on us and him. He was surprised each time he came in to find that Eli was still with us. On his last visit before Eli passed away he told us that he had never expected Eli to live as long as he had. We talked together and it was obvious that Eli was not going to make it through the night. Then he said something I will never forget. He told us that we should continue to enjoy each moment we had. We should have someone go get us some food and have a family dinner with Eli. The idea was so sweet to me because it was so simple and so powerful. The kids went down with my dad and Tawny, I think, and bought some food for us. While they were gone, me and Jason spent time alone with Eli. This was the first time we had been completely alone with him. Eli's color started to look really bad. We checked his heart rate. It was 40 ( normal is 120-160 for babies). His breathing became less and less frequent until he stopped and had only an occasional agonal respiration. These were the most sacred moments we had with Eli as we felt the veil as thin as we ever have. We felt it was time for him to go and we felt immense peace as we waited for his last breath. But then, through a strength and fight and determination that I can't totally understand, Eli resisted the pull from the other side in order to stay with us a few more precious minutes. His heart rate went back up to 100 (which is as high as it ever was) and his color improved a little. The kids returned. We got to have our family dinner. It was such a normal family moment. The kids fought over who would hold Eli first. Lincoln played with a balloon we had been given. Jason sat back and ate a sandwich and I helped everyone with what they needed. It was in those moment, those normal family moments, that Eli passed to the other side. I feel there are many reasons he waited, but I believe one reason was that he wanted to see us being a family before he left. Maybe he felt it was okay to leave once he saw that we were okay...acting like ourselves. Eli didn't eat anything for our family dinner. I realized later that I didn't eat either as I helped everyone with their needs. For some reason, that felt just perfect to me. So for dinner, we replicated our one and only family dinner with Eli. Pizza for the kids and turkey sandwiches for me and Jason. I ate this time.
We had an angel food cake and blew out a candle. These were sweet moments...although, like I said before, Lincoln was having a REALLY hard day. It was definitely a normal family moment which made it just like the night we ate with Eli. Katelyn told me it was the best cake she had ever had...ever! Wow...she doesn't throw around foodie compliments to me very often...those are reserved for my friend Lindsay and aunt Tawny. Thanks Betty Crocker, just add water, angel food cake mix.
We received many beautiful and thoughtful notes and gifts. I was so touched as I saw the thought and sincerity that went into each gift for our family. I wasn't expecting a thing, so I was so overwhelmed and grateful with the outpouring of support. I will have to talk about many of these gifts another post because this is already too lengthy and each thoughtful deed touched us in such a different and intense way.
The weather was interesting...we got a little bit of everything. I felt it mirrored my grief in many ways. Some beautiful snow, some sun peeking through the clouds but a lot of overcast hours in the day. It got dark earlier than I am used to...it was a nice metaphor.
I want Eli's birthday to be a day that is looked forward to by our family. A day of beauty and gratitude. I felt that his 1st birthday was so sweet. I know that I can't have all of the wonderful feelings without some of the sorrow...that is just the way things work. I love Eli so much. I miss him so much. I want to touch him and see him so badly, so of course some of this will surface on his special day. But overall, I wanted this day to be a celebration and it was.
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