Laena

Just thinking about my dear friend, JaLaine, tonight.  It is her daughter, Laena's, birthday today.  Laena went back home to Heavenly Father just 22 days after Eli.  Me and JaLaine were friends before this, but never close.  There wasn't a reason...we just weren't; nothing had brought us together.
It has been a tender experience to have had my heart so closely knit to JaLaine as we grieved our little ones together. 

JaLaine went in for her routine ultrasound about halfway through her pregnancy only to find that her sweet baby's heartbeat had stopped.  She then had to go to the hospital to deliver the baby that she would never meet alive.  They sent her to the hospital the next day (Wednesday), but as the process unfolded she was there much, much longer than she had hoped.  Laena was not born until Thursday making her arrival on Thanksgiving.  In some ways this just seems like extra salt in the wound.  I am not trying to speak for JaLaine.  (She is much sweeter and poetic than I am).  I am just telling the story from my perspective.  So many people didn't even know that she was pregnant.  I didn't know.  So she went from some people knowing that she was going to have a baby, to not being pregnant at all.  I feel like because of the timing of Laena's death (and JaLaine's tiny little body that kept her pregnancy a secret), Laena went unnoticed by too many people.  Again, this is my opinion.  I think that some people see it as an "oh darn...just try again...." like a battery that didn't work or a burned out light on the strand of Christmas lights.  But I assure you that a mother doesn't feel that way.  JaLaine didn't feel that way.  Her husband, Mike, didn't feel that way.  Laena's siblings didn't see it that way.

When you child dies, it just sucks.  I don't care how old they are.  I'm not saying that some ways of dying aren't more traumatic...of course some ways are.  I'm not saying the age of the child makes no difference....of course it does.  I'm just saying that no matter how it happens or what age it happens at, it sucks.  Some children are more acknowledged than others which is unfortunate and complicates your grief, but in the end, a mother is a mother.  You miss your child not matter what.  You don't feel completely whole because part of you is gone.  Your heart will ache and grieve until you are reunited.  But there is also tremendous beauty in the pain because the pain came about because of your love. I know that JaLaine continues to love and yearn for Laena.  I can't wait to meet her too.

Unsubscribing from life

The day after we buried Eli I did something kind of odd.  I spent some time unsubscribing to all of those emails you get that you never really subscribed to.  I changed my Facebook settings so I would no longer get emails about anything...whether they pertained to me or not.  
I'm not sure why it felt so important to do this, but it did.  I didn't want things cluttering up my mind or my inbox.  I felt like I needed to keep things as simple as possible.  
But besides simplification, I felt detached from the world I had once belonged to.  So much of that world was now irrelevant to me now.  I felt I lived somewhere else now and didn't need information from this planet anymore.  I still feel a lot of those emotions.  I continue to unsubscribe from most things.  I continue to block emails from Facebook.  I have deleted most of the apps on my phone, although Pinterest has found its way back.  I pin things, but keep all of my pins "secret."  Did you know you can do that?  I guess I don't want people watching me and seeing where my heart is that day.  Sometimes I pin recipes.  Sometimes I pin activities for the kids.  Sometimes I pin quotes about grief and sometimes I pin hopeful quotes.  (I should probably disclose that I am not on pinterest that much).  But I feel like I want to control what people know about me.  At times I laugh at myself for keeping all of my pinterest pinnings a secret because I post many intense and personal feelings and moments on my blog. But...I have control over that, so maybe that is the difference.

I think the days (and months) after Eli died  I unsubscribed from life.  I didn't really feel like I had a choice.  My grief washed over me and I was unaware of many things I had been aware of before.  After unsubscribing from almost everything (except sleep) it was easier what I had left. There was no clutter getting in the way.  As I "resubscribe" to things in my life I am very selective what I sign up for.  There are some things that I will never subscribe to again, but you have to subscibe to some things again (like paying your bills on time and making meals), and there comes a time when signing up feels right and makes sense again.  It is a pretty slow process for me.  I am usually comfortable with that because you shouldn't sign up for too many things too quickly. You shouldn't sign up for too many things at all.  

Ethan's baptism

Ethan was baptized last Saturday.  It was a sweet and memorable day.  We had so much support from family and close friends.  We were able to share the day with JaLaine's family as her son, Logan, was born just three days after Ethan on November 4th.  I felt so fortunate to share the day with their family.

Both of our boys were so handsome and they both possess somewhat of a tender heart.  I have such a sacred spot in my heart for Ethan.  After they were baptized they each took their turn sitting in a chair as a group of Priesthood holders surrounded them to give them the gift of the Holy Ghost.  I couldn't help but notice how big the men looked compared to these two little boys, but I could sense how powerful the boys were despite their tiny frames.  It was a beautiful image to see the strength and size of these men surrounding someone much smaller, much less experienced, much more innocent, but I knew that their potential to be powerful instruments in the hands of God had nothing to do with their size.  Ethan has lots of great men to look to as he navigates through his life and I am grateful for that.  He also has a remarkable brother in heaven to help guide him.  We felt a little piece of heaven today.

Nearer My God to Thee

We buried Eli on November 10th last year.  The wind was blowing towards the east.  Those who are native to Spanish Fork know that this is a rare occurence.  The wind always blows FROM the east...out of the canyon.  It was significant to me.  We let white balloons go for the first time and they blew towards the east.  What a symbol and comfort that was to me.  I commented on the wind to many people.  Someone said..."A storm is blowing in..."  That may have been the understatement of the year.  I knew a storm was blowing in...it came fast and furiously and nothing could have prepared me for it.

The days leading up to Eli's birthday last week were so sweet and peaceful.  I was surprised, but grateful.  It's not like I've ever done this before.  I don't know what to expect.  I can predict some of the storms or sorrowful moments I will feel, but I am wrong as much as the weather man.  Grief isn't something you can tame, even when it is your own.  It is still unpredicatable.

The weather outside today was what I would have expected with the first snowfall.  Wet and messy and not really that substantial with too much wind and not enough light...just cold and miserable.  It matched how I feel inside.  I'm not sure if I appreciate it or not?

I have been listening to this version of Nearer My God to Thee.  It is by Vocal Point.  I really love so many of their songs, but this one has struck a cord with me as of late.  I have known this song for many years, but a certain line hit me the other day.

In the first verse it says: E'en (even) though it be a cross that raiseth me...  I finally undestand that line in some context.

The song continues in the 2nd verse: darkness be over me...my rest a stone.  Sometimes life feels that way.  The darkness washes over me and it feels as if my only rest is a stone.  I'm not exactly sure what the writer meant by "stone."  Stones are hard and cold and don't remind me to warmth or comfort.  If you are searching for a warm blanket, a stone doesn't really feel that great, but that's what you get sometimes.

I love the line in the 3rd verse that says: Angels to beckon me... Sometimes our lives will be difficult...the storm will come and the comfort we seek won't come as readily as we would like.  But, in that process, I have come closer to God and know that He isn't absent while it is dark.  If I am patient enough and look for it, I can feel and hear those angels beckoning me to keep going.  There will be just a glimmer of light until it grows brighter and brighter.  But in the meantime; and sometimes the meantime is a long time, our relationship with God becomes stronger and deeper if we let it happen and don't lose faith.

Nearer My God to Thee

Happy Birthday

We celebrated Eli's birthday 2 days ago.  I have had quite a few emotions going into this.  I'm sure this will be a long post.

I wasn't sure what to expect with the 1st birthday.  Aren't 1st birthdays sort of infamous.  The little one, sometimes walking, sometimes crawling, chubby hands, messy face, too much noise...am I right?  I always felt it was more a party for me than my baby.  It was a huge milestone...we made it!  And look how beautiful my baby is!! I wasn't sure how these previous experiences were going to merge with having a celebration for Eli one year after he came and went.  Thankfully, Heavenly Father must work out all of those details because my heart was in such a grateful and peaceful place going into the days before Eli's birthday.  I have felt so much gratitude as I think about Eli and his beautiful and meaningful life.  I feel like the spirit brought so many things to my remembrance and I could step back and see the impact Eli has had in my life.  I could see so many of the things I have learned and the ways I have grown.  Taking a step back has been a challenge this last year as so many of my feelings are in the immediacy of life and so big that the other emotions get crowded out.  A couple of days before his birthday I felt a peace wash over me.  I would talk to people in the few days leading up to his birthday and I think people expected me to be a mess.  I wasn't.  I felt peace.  I felt gratitude.  It wasn't just an idea...it had entered into my heart.

Me and Jason talked a long time about how to spend Eli's birthday.  We combined our ideas and came up with a plan that felt good.

I had looked at the forecast days in advance and saw that there was a chance of snow on his birthday.  I had some pretty intense emotions when the first snow fell last year (more on that another time).  I DID NOT want it to snow on his birthday.  I needed it to be a sunny day.  Well, the closer the day got the smaller the chance of snow, but the clouds didn't look like they were going to dissipate.  The morning of his birthday I didn't have my contacts in and Ethan started yelling that it was snowing.  I am pretty blind, so I couldn't see it.  I got my glasses and sure enough...there is was.  The first snow of the year.  It was beautiful and delicate as it fell.  There wasn't a lot of it falling.  I expected it to pick up and the wind to start blowing wildly, like we are so accustomed to in Spanish Fork, but it didn't.  It just fell softly and lightly.  Me and Jason had previously talked about my first snowfall plight and he reminded me of what we learned about the symbolism of snow this past year:

"Water in all its forms is a symbol of knowledge.  Descending water represents the transmission of knowledge from a higher to a lower place, the flow of information from teacher to student.  If water (wisdom) were to flow continuously, it would totally submerge and obliterate...so water flows in various measures...rain, ice, snow...which are all metaphors for the teacher monitoring and transforming the flow into forms the student can...assimilate."  It goes onto say that snow consists of both earth (dust particles) and water vapor (ice).  "Thus snow, being half heaven and half earth provides the perfect intermediary between the two worlds."

Part heaven, part earth...falling from the sky lightly and beautifully....coming to us as knowledge...the snow can be assimilated in time and not all at once, like rain symbolizes.

Oh, and my maiden name is Snow, so I was feeling pretty great after reading this months ago...

I watched as many of the neighborhood kids ran outside.  They looked up in awe and wonderment.  There aren't many things that can create childlike wonder like the first snow of the year.  As I watched so many kids looking up in excitement and awe and I was so happy.  This was Eli's day.  He has taught us so much.  They were seeing beauty.  I, too, wanted to look up on this day in awe.

We started the day by going to the temple together.  It is a place where we can feel a closeness to Eli that is hard to feel in other places.  We had a sweet experience there.  When we came out, it was snowing again; this time a little harder, but it was beautiful against the red and orange leaves.

Me and Jason went to lunch and then came home.  As we drove around the corner we saw white balloons lining our street.  Because we let white balloons go each month, the sight of a white balloon conjures up sweet emotions for me.  I wasn't sure what the balloons were for at first.  When we pulled into our driveway I realized that they were for us.  Our thoughtful neighbors had organized to have white balloons all up and down our street, placing one in front of everyone's house.  I can't really describe the beautiful emotions that overcame me.  I was surprised...not because they aren't wonderful people; just surprised that people had remembered and that it mattered to them.  Eli is our world right now.  He is so important to us, but I had no idea that he mattered so much to everyone else.  I was deeply touched and so grateful.  I didn't want the feeling I had to end.  Me and Jason walked up and down the street so we could try and soak in the beauty of those moments.  That simple, but very thoughtful and beautiful gesture was one of the highlights of our day as we felt the love and support of so many people that care for our family.  I know we have had so much love and support through this.  I know that last year at this time there was a huge outpouring of care for our family.  But, last year, my heart was so consumed with sorrow that it didn't feel like anything could penetrate it.  This year, I think I felt a little of what people had done for us this entire year...it was like I could finally FEEL it instead of just seeing it.  I feel so grateful.

The pictures don't really do it justice... it was so beautiful...

When the kids got home from school we went to the cemetery to let our balloons go.  This month we made some balloons with our Team G logo on them which was kind of fun.  We also had a huge balloon that our friend, Amy, had made for us.  We tied near his grave.  I love it because it serves a marker.  Everyone that comes into the cemetery looks at it because you really can't help but notice it.  I feel like is shows how loved and wanted Eli is; how important he is to us.  There were many things at his grave...beautiful gifts.  It was so touching to know how many people love him and our family.  I love Eli...I think about him all the time, but today it felt as if so many peoples' hearts were drawn out towards him. I know that people think about him and our family more often than this special day, but I'm not always aware of it.  Today I was and it was sweet.  He means so much to me and having other people care about him does something soothing and healing to my heart.  The cemetery was mostly good.  Lincoln was really having a hard day so there was some usual family drama.  After we had been there for a little while Jason started the car and the kids climbed in because it was so cold.  Me and Jason took just another minute at his grave.  I wanted to sing a special song that we sing to him each night while we were there.  I was surprised as my emotions totally overcame me and I couldn't sing.  We sing this song all the time... I started to feel such an intense loss and sorrow come over me.  My emotions felt so raw and fresh and I wasn't sure I could leave the cemetery without my baby.  It's been a long time since I felt that with such intensity.  Going into his birthday, people had approached me with such sympathy. I think they thought I would be a mess and this day would be so difficult.  I wasn't a mess...I was filled with peace and hope and gratitude.  The moment in the cemetery was probably what everyone expected.  I hated to feel that way after the beauty I had felt.  I had wanted the peace and tranquility to last and last and last...of course it can't, but I was surprised to felt Eli as my sweet, sweet baby that I had to leave.  It was awful.  But, we had to leave eventually.  We still had some things planned and I wanted to enjoy it, but I was honestly so exhausted physically and emotionally and I was just happy the day had been so good for so long.  The rest of the day was still sweet, but I feel like my mortal body took over and I felt a lot of "missing you so, so much sweet baby" emotions.

I know...he looks like a perfect angel...He brought his ninja turtle camera to take pictures : )

We went to an ice cream shop called Eli's.  I was thrilled to learn they also had steamers...it was a little cold for ice cream.  We had the place mostly to ourselves.  I'm not sure the ice cream or steamers were the best I've ever had, but the little shop could do no wrong because of it's name.

Then we went and picked up some dinner.  The day Eli was born, the doctor came in several times to check on us and him.  He was surprised each time he came in to find that Eli was still with us.  On his last visit before Eli passed away he told us that he had never expected Eli to live as long as he had.  We talked together and it was obvious that Eli was not going to make it through the night.  Then he said something I will never forget.  He told us that we should  continue to enjoy each moment we had.  We should have someone go get us some food and have a family dinner with Eli.  The idea was so sweet to me because it was so simple and so powerful.  The kids went down with my dad and Tawny, I think, and bought some food for us.  While they were gone, me and Jason spent time alone with Eli.  This was the first time we had been completely alone with him.  Eli's color started to look really bad.  We checked his heart rate.  It was 40 ( normal is 120-160 for babies).  His breathing became less and less frequent until he stopped and had only an occasional agonal respiration.  These were the most sacred moments we had with Eli as we felt the veil as thin as we ever have.  We felt it was time for him to go and we felt immense peace as we waited for his last breath.  But then, through a strength and fight and determination that I can't totally understand, Eli resisted the pull from the other side in order to stay with us a few more precious minutes.  His heart rate went back up to 100 (which is as high as it ever was) and his color improved a little.  The kids returned.  We got to have our family dinner.  It was such a normal family moment.  The kids fought over who would hold Eli first.  Lincoln played with a balloon we had been given.  Jason sat back and ate a sandwich and I helped everyone with what they needed.  It was in those moment, those normal family moments, that Eli passed to the other side.  I feel there are many reasons he waited, but I believe one reason was that he wanted to see us being a family before he left.  Maybe he felt it was okay to leave once he saw that we were okay...acting like ourselves.   Eli didn't eat anything for our family dinner.  I realized later that I didn't eat either as I helped everyone with their needs.  For some reason, that felt just perfect to me.  So for dinner, we replicated our one and only family dinner with Eli.  Pizza for the kids and turkey sandwiches for me and Jason. I ate this time.

We had an angel food cake and blew out a candle.  These were sweet moments...although, like I said before, Lincoln was having a REALLY hard day.  It was definitely a normal family moment which made it just like the night we ate with Eli.  Katelyn told me it was the best cake she had ever had...ever!  Wow...she doesn't throw around foodie compliments to me very often...those are reserved for my friend Lindsay and aunt Tawny.  Thanks Betty Crocker, just add water, angel food cake mix.

We received many beautiful and thoughtful notes and gifts.  I was so touched as I saw the thought and sincerity that went into each gift for our family.  I wasn't expecting a thing, so I was so overwhelmed and grateful with the outpouring of support.  I will have to talk about many of these gifts another post because this is already too lengthy and each thoughtful deed touched us in such a different and intense way.

The weather was interesting...we got a little bit of everything.  I felt it mirrored my grief in many ways.  Some beautiful snow, some sun peeking through the clouds but a lot of overcast hours in the day.  It got dark earlier than I am used to...it was a nice metaphor.

I want Eli's birthday to be a day that is looked forward to by our family.  A day of beauty and gratitude.  I felt that his 1st birthday was so sweet.  I know that I can't have all of the wonderful feelings without some of the sorrow...that is just the way things work.  I love Eli so much.  I miss him so much.  I want to touch him and see him so badly, so of course some of this will surface on his special day.  But overall, I wanted this day to be a celebration and it was.

A little son

It is amazing what a little son can do...

Sunrise and Sunset

I have been drawn to the sun more than I normally am since Eli's death.  I notice how it is hidden on overcast days.  It is almost blinding on a clear, summer day.  There is a different light cast when it peeks over the mountain in the morning than when it shows its last rays at night.  The colors that welcome a new day are very different than the colors that say good night. The sun is anticipated and welcomed at the start of a new day.  It is bright, and almost harsh, as it inches its way over the mountain.  The colors that surround a sunrise are like a crescendo until the full light finally shows itself.  On the other hand, the colors that accompany the sunset are usually deeper and richer.  It seems slower and more full than the sunrise. There is a lingering feel to a sunset as you hold onto each moment.

I think of the cycle of life and death.  Sunrise and new life seem to parallel just as sunset and death.  Both are beautiful.  The light of a sunrise is anticipated and waited for.  In contrast,  you hold onto the last glimpses of light before the sun sets.  I think about the rest of the time the sun is up....the rest of the day. It doesn't hold as much beauty.  I never look at the sun at 11am and just stop and stare and soak in the moment.  But I do that a lot when the day starts or ends.  There is unique beauty in beginnings and endings.

 The beauty of a sunrise and a sunset never happen at the same time. There are distinct separate events with different colors; different emotions. They never happen at the same time

...until they do. 

We experienced the splendor and beauty and emotions of a sunrise and a sunset in the same day as we experienced the birth and death of our son.  

In the end, I wasn't left left thinking...

"That was it?  It was so short...."

No.... I was thinking I have never seen anything like it and I never will again. It wasn't a disappointment ...The furthest thing from it.  I didn't feel cheated or short changed.  Rather, I felt it a privilege to get to see that kind of beauty. And knew I would never see anything like it again. I knew it was rare and priceless and a gift that most people don't experience like our family did.

A name

There are few things more powerful than a name.  A single phrase that somehow becomes a symbol for an entire existence.

-Lance Conrad, The Price of Creation

Happy Birthday Ethan

 

Happy Birthday Ethan!

He turned 8 this year.  It is a big birthday for him.  He planned and helped carry out his Pokemon birthday party complete with a homemade pinata.  It was a lot of fun.  We look forward to his baptism in a couple of weeks.  He has grown up a lot this last year.  As I looked at pictures of him from his last birthday, I realized how much bigger he really is.  His maturity has increased as well.  He is such an easy boy to love...so kind and thoughtful.  He always says please and thank you and gives me hugs.  Because he is well behaved, he gets lost in the mix of our family dynamic from time to time.  Katelyn doesn't let herself be forgotten and Lincoln is to full of life to let him out of our sights for too long.  Ethan tempers both Katelyn and Lincoln is different ways.  It is very interesting to watch him and he interacts with them.  He is so needed and loved in our family.  I am so grateful to be his mom.

On a personal note, his birthday seemed a lot further away from Eli's birthday last year.  Their birthdays are only 4 days apart, but it seemed a lot longer last year.  It is due in part to the fact that  everyday was such a gift last year.  4 days was a long time last year.  We had hoped and hoped that Eli would be born after Ethan's birthday and to get 4 days more was such a blessing for us.  We celebrated Ethan's birthday on Saturday and then waited until Wednesday to meet Eli.  This year it has felt that their birthday's are almost on top of one another.  There is no one else that I would rather have Eli's birthday be next to.

  Despite that, planning a Pokemon party and a birthday for my sweet Eli, who is in heaven, in the same week is a little strange.  I have never had to think about what a birthday for my child who isn't here would be like (and it isn't themed the same as Pokemon).  But after witnessing the fun that Ethan had today I understood that is was because his party was age appropriate...games, candy, cake, pinata....Eli's birthday will also be age appropriate and I don't mean that I am planning a party for a 1 year old.  I look forward Eli's birthday as a sweet and memorable day.  The 5th of November was such a beautiful and sacred day...hard, yes, but not bad...not something I dread thinking about or remembering.  It is a day that I treasure more than I can explain.  It will be a sweet celebration of Eli's life and the influence he has had and will continue to have in many lives.

Halloween