Too close

I took this picture trying to get a shot of a rainbow.  I looked at the picture later and realized that the camera had focused on the rain on my window instead of the rainbow.  I could see the rainbow, but it was somewhat blurry and out of focus.  Instead, I could clearly see the drops of rain.  I found it paralleled a feeling I have at times.

When me and Jason went on our trip to Europe we were with a big group from his work.  My grief was still very raw and painful and interacting with other people was quite a feat for me.  We were on a cruise and had dinner every night with the group.  The idea seemed to be that you needed to sit with different people every night to mingle and get to know each other.  I wasn't really in the mood to get to know new people, but I did my best.  I tried to be quiet and pleasant...both of which are not always my forte.  One night we sat with a couple and she asked about our family.  I found myself trying to explain our experience with Eli in about 3 minutes.  It isn't really a 3 minute experience, but that's all the time this conversation would allow, so I tried.

I realized I was too close to my grief.  I couldn't give a summary or synopsis of our experiences.  It was as if I were standing in front of a mirror, but instead of standing back a few feet so I could see my entire body, I was only a couple of inches from the mirror.  I could make out my own eyes and nose, but everything was blurry or out of my field of vision.  I was simply too close to the experience.  I couldn't see it clearly.  Time has a way of helping you move back from the mirror to see the whole picture more clearly.  There are times, many times, where I still feel too close to the mirror.  My grief is still acute.  It isn't something that did happen; it is something that is happening.  As this year continues to move forward, it feels like last year in a lot of ways...a sort of reliving of the those days.  But there are also times when I can see more of the picture.

When I look at this picture it speaks volumes to me.  Sometimes you are just to close to see things clearly, but, in time, your lens can change and focus more readily on the rainbows.