I felt very resistant to October coming last year. There was a very good chance that Eli would be born in October and I felt that being in a different month, say July, August, September, gave me a reasonable buffer between the present and the future. When October came, I realized that time had run out (at least it felt that way). I hated the Halloween decorations. I don't really like Halloween anyways, but it felt pressing to see these decorations. It felt like time was mocking me, and it was in some ways. I knew it was definitely within the realm of possibility that Eli would die before my kids went trick or treating. It felt very strange because I knew exactly what trick or treating would look and feel like, but had not idea how birth and death would feel. Fortunately, we had more time with him than expected and we all went trick or treating together. I felt the same sense of dread when September 30th changed to October 1st this year. I felt the same anticipation when I saw Halloween decorations come out. It was much less intense, but a little strange to feel that way again.
When I was younger I never liked fall. I didn't understand the hype of it...the soups, the smells, the leaves...I saw that everything was dying and I couldn't understand why everyone liked it so much. Perhaps, I have always been a bit too anticipatory and couldn't enjoy the beauty of the moment we were in...the moment before the death. I only saw what happened after the leaves changed colors and probably missed the colors all together. It seemed depressing.
Several years ago, I began to see the beauty of this season, and it unexpectedly changed from my least favorite season to my most favorite. I started to love when the nights got a bit chilly and I could drink hot chocolate. I loved that I needed a blanket when I curled up to read a book. I loved the smells, the soups, the leaves falling and blowing across the road as I drove. It seems like the great symbol of the cycle of life. The plants are the most full and colorful. The moment when all things come into fruition and are harvested. In a symbolic way, it is where I want to be someday. I want to be full and mature and filled with color showing that my life was rich and beautiful. I want things that have been planted to come into fruition. I want the stillness and contentment that come with life lessons and experience.
I worried that having Eli in the fall might change my perception of this once favorite season. I wondered if I would only see it as a time of death again instead of the beauty that occurs before it. I have been so happy as fall has come and I have felt the familiar love of this season. I see Eli as a great symbol of fall. A life, that, although short, was lived fully and beautiful and without restraint; a very meaningful life that has changed people. I see him as a great example of the lessons of this season and I believe that my love for this season will grow and deepen as I always associate his birth with this time of year. I believe that Eli has made fall a little bit sweeter and a lot more meaningful for me.
I will always associate Eli with this season; partly because he was born in it, but more importantly, because of how I see him spiritually. I don't see his life as a tender plant that has just broken through the winter ground only to be stepped on. I don't see his life as a tiny new bud on a bare tree only to be hit with sudden frost. I see him as fall. I see him as mature and powerful; filled with knowledge and clarity. It gives me a place to look to as I experience fall through the seasons and through him.
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