Taking Care of the Kids That Are Here

The problem with having one of your kids in the spirit world, is that you don't know how to parent them.  You want to...you need to....I still feel like you are supposed to, but the idea is vague.  The feelings are NOT vague, but the way to actually express those nurturing feelings is harder to grasp. 

It's not that hard to "grasp" taking care of a newborn: feed, change, hold, love.  I'm not saying it isn't hard; it just isn't hard to grasp.  The older my kids get, the harder it is for me to figure out EXACTLY what I need to be doing with them in any given moment.  There comes a time when putting them down for a nap is no longer the answer.  The answers get harder, but are more important to figure out. 

So, I feel like I am doing this in a whole new way.  Maybe some of you are shaking your head and telling me that I DON'T NEED to do anything for Eli....he is in the spirit world.  There are people there to take care of any need he may have.  I also realize that he isn't a baby up there and doesn't need "baby" things like rocking and feeding and holding.  But, we all have needs, no matter our age.  We all need things from the people around us.  I can't imagine that being any different for him.  And if you thing that your parental responsibilities are relinquished simply because you child dies, you have never had a child die.  You still feel responsible for them.  I can only imagine the reason I feel that way, is because I am SUPPOSED to feel that way.  There is a purpose in it.  It will be a different kind of  "helping" with Eli, but it is still very much there.

A few weeks ago we were at the cemetery as a family.  We don't go as a family all the time.  The kids seem to like it, but they have a different energy and are done pretty quickly.  I am fine with that.... I just know that I am going for them and not for me during those times.  We went and Lincoln was acting crazy and wanted me to entertain him.  Then he started whining and wanted to go.  He wanted me to give him a piggy back ride.  I let him jump on.  I had wanted to say my own goodbye, even though it would be quick, but I found that I couldn't with Lincoln on my back.   I didn't want to make him get down because I knew he would cry.  I realized, in that moment, I needed to parent Lincoln.  Not Eli.  I needed to take care of my 3 year old.  That was the RIGHT thing to do in THAT moment. I was able to walk away from his grave, carrying Lincoln, knowing that I was doing the right thing.

 As a parent, there are many, many times where more than one child needs you and you have to figure out where you put your energy in that moment.  It changes from day to day, and usually from minute to minute, but you are constantly being asked to do more than you can.  I know that Eli is my son.  I am his mother.  That didn't change because he died.  I know that I will still parent him, but it will be different...very different from giving him piggy back rides to the car....for now.