John

I think we are all wired a little differently.  We all have different tendencies that are stronger than others.  For example, some people are naturally more affectionate.  Some people are having a greater ability to be gentle.  Some people are hard workers. Some have great compassion.  These tendencies can go the other way as well....some of us are more angry, mean spirited, unsympathetic,etc.  But, I want to focus on one string in me that seems more tightly wound than my other strings.....that of protection.  I think this was tightly wound when I was born.  I don't remember taking a great deal of time or effort to develop it.  I will tell you a nice little story about my younger years to illustrate my point.

I had to have been about 14 or 15.  We were playing night games in our backyard.  It was the kids in our family and some neighbor friends.  My little brother, Josh....I called him Joshie....(I think he  really loved that).... had made a wonderful little creation out of a big box.  I want to say it was a refrigerator box.  We didn't buy appliances all that often.  Dad would just fix whatever we had with duct tape and other paraphernalia , so a large box was quite the commodity.  I think Josh had made a house or fort of some sort and it was situated by our back steps.  I remember that he had spent a great deal of time making it just so.  One of Tyler's "friends," (we'll call him John), was over.  I was never a fan of him.  I think they were "friends" only because of the proximity of our houses.... I could be wrong.  Tyler.... you can tell me if I'm wrong.  I'm usually not.  I can't remember anyone else that was there.  At one point during our games, John, being the nice fellow that he was, decided to jump on top of Joshie's creation, which smashed it. I remember being so filled with a sense of protection of Josh that I grabbed John and threw him up against our brick house.  I didn't really think it through.  I was gripping his shirt in my fists and looking at him thinking, "Me and you are going to have a problem."  I'm sure the words in my head were just that mild and sweet.  Now Josh is probably mortified right now thinking that I would feel the need to "protect" him, but he is 7 years younger than me making him 7 or 8 at the time, so that might explain the need I felt.  I stood there frozen, and suddenly realized that he might try to punch me.  He was quite a bit taller than myself and I was a little shocked at what I had just done.  I wasn't too worried though.  John was kind of wimp. I think I may have ducked a little anticipating a hit, and, as the story goes, I think my older brother, Tyler may have stood up at this point in case it got ugly. Well....John grabbed his coat and left.  And before you feel to bad for this poor 16 year old boy with a bruised ego,  you need to know that he got the last word and it was a rather ugly word that I won't repeat.  I'd like to say that he never messed with Josh again, but I can't be sure about that.

I reminisced about this little incident the other day.  I am using the correct word when I say reminisced.  Maybe I should feel a little bad for being so physical with him, but I don't.  I don't at all.  If you mess with my family, you need to know that I am going to have a problem with that.

This trait has continued with me, although I have a greater ability to control my impulses....especially if it is a physical impulse (hence my punching bag downstairs.  A few people have asked me if I know how to use it.  Ya, I know how to use it).  There have been several instances with my kids where "mama bear" has stepped in.  I've never been between a mama bear and her cubs, but I can imagine it is a similar base instinct that I have. (A real bear would not stop her physical impulse to protect.)  Katelyn always seems to have a certain person or persons who take it upon themselves to pester her in school.  She is sweet and tolerates a lot from other kids.  She has a hard time standing up for herself, so we are working on appropriate ways to do this.  I am all about kids "working things out."  I think they need to be allowed this opportunity to deal with stupid people who bother them, because they are going to grow up around stupid people who bother them.  If there is a "John" in their classroom, there will always be a "John" in their life.  They need tools to help them and they need practice using these tools on the "John's" in the world.

HOWEVER, there is a line.  There is a line!!  I have told Katelyn that if someone physically touches her.... in any way,,,, and she doesn't like it, it is no longer HER problem  It is an adult problem.  It is my problem.  I could pass this on to the responsible party at school (which I always do on some level), but I also take matters into my own hands. I have talked with many "John's" at school.  They need to see my face.  They need to know that I am "Katelyn's Mom" and they need to understand that if they TOUCH my daughter, I'm going to have a problem with it.  This has been quite effective.  They seem much more willing to cooperate when they know who I am and know that I know what they are doing.  My authority seems to have more of an effect than the teachers authority. Some people would question my tactics.  Sorry, if someone touches a Gause, it's going to be a problem for you.  (I don't hurt these kids or anything ; )  I just give them some clarity about the situation. Of course, when Lincoln tackles a kid half his size at the playground this rule doesn't apply and he is in trouble.  I think this instinct takes over when I see someone smaller and more helpless getting trampled on my someone bigger and meaner.  I don't even care what your last name is. It doesn't work for me.

Me and Jason talk about the future when Katelyn starts dating.  We talk about the interviewing tactics that will occur at OUR house.  I think everyone knows that you don't mess with Jason, but I don't think he will be the person to fear when it comes down to it. I guess we will have to see.  Katelyn will feel picked on, but she won't feel a lack of protection.

What does this have to do with anything?  In reference to Eli, it has been VERY, very difficult for me.  I am so highly protective of my children.  I was so protective of him when I was pregnant.  I had the ability to do that.  I was protective of him when he was here with us.  I was very, very protective of his body after he passed away.  I am protective over his little spot at the cemetery.  I am protective of his little belongings.  There is a different kind of protection besides the "mama bear" protection.  There is a very tender and sacred protection. I have tried to exercise this protective instinct in any way I can.  It has been very difficult because I can't protect him the way that my soul yearns to.  It has felt like a need and not so much a want.  I protect anything I can when it comes to him.  I even try to protect his story and his spirit.  What a complicated thing when I have faith that he doesn't NEED my protection.  Not in the traditional sense at least.  What a complicated thing to know that God is his Father and has the ability to protect, but I can't relinquish my desire for this.  I don't even think I should. I certainly don't want to. How complicated when I feel like saying, "Ya, I know he is your son, technically, but I'm pretty sure he's MINE. "  He sure feels like mine.  He is mine.  This is complicated. I can't physically protect him....something I am accustomed to doing. Something I can't quite stop myself from doing.  I have come to the conclusion...for now.... that the NEED to protect will be replaced with more of a want to protect.  I can still protect in some ways, but there is nothing like having your child die that makes you feel an inability to protect them.