This holiday season has been much different for me. I am not missing it this year. I feel like part of me is alive again. I look forward to all of the traditions we do together as a family. I have enjoyed shopping and seeing lights and making gingerbread houses. It is so refreshing to feel that again. I feel a difference in my attitude towards the Savior. I think that I always tried to focus on Christ this time of year. I was constantly frustrated that we had to have relief society activities and books written about how to keep Christ in Christmas. It seems that we have really gotten ourselves into a mess when that has to be the topic of anything...it is such a given and so unfortunate that it has become a challenge. I'm not trying to act holier than thou when I say that...it is just so sad that our culture has necessitated that kind of dialogue at all. So this isn't the first year where I felt that a visit to Santa was completely optional and not at all necessary for a complete December. It isn't the first year where I've grown tired of hearing about Rudolph instead of Mary and Joseph. But the birth of the Savior feels more personal to me now...for so many reasons....so many that I could never articulate or do justice to and some that are just too personal. But, hopefully I can convey one thought about it.
We so desperately need a Savior. Until He was born the entire human race was in "free fall..." as Jeffrey R. Holland said. He states:
"What a plight! The entire human race in free fall—every man,
woman, and child in it physically tumbling toward permanent death, spiritually
plunging toward eternal anguish. Is that what life was meant to be? Is this the
grand finale of the human experience? Are we all just hanging in a cold canyon
somewhere in an indifferent universe, each of us searching for a toehold, each
of us seeking for something to grip—with nothing but the feeling of sand
sliding under our fingers, nothing to save us, nothing to hold on to, much less
anything to hold on to us? Is our only purpose in life an empty existential
exercise—simply to leap as high as we can, hang on for our prescribed three
score years and ten, then fail and fall, and keep falling forever? The answer to those questions is an unequivocal and eternal
no!" Where Justice, Love, and Mercy Meet
I think I sense more than ever the need I personally have for a Savior. I have felt that need for most of my life, but it feel a little more precarious now. I have a son in heaven. He will certainly inherit celestial glory. If I do not, somehow, get better than I am, I will never be with him. I have a lot of shortcomings that need improving and feel pretty incapable of doing this. I need someone to help me become something different than what I am now. I need a power far greater than my own. Without a Savior, there would be no hope for me. Without a Savior, Eli's sweet little body that grew inside of me...that was so alive... would sleep forever in his tiny grave. I can't really handle the thought of that...and, thankfully, I don't have to because I know he won't sleep forever. I need to know that he will be brought forth and his spirit and his body will be reunited again never to be separated. I think this feels more personal to me because Eli's body was connected to me almost the entire time he was alive. He was part of me. He is still part of me. I am very protective of his mortal tabernacle. He is my child. I was partner in creation as I helped to form his body. I am not okay with the situation right now. I can only survive because I know this isn't a permanent situation. The maternal instinct in me has never been so heightened. I need someone to fix this. Only my Savior can. He has paid the price so that I can be reunited with my son. He has paid the price so that I can change and be better through a power that is far greater than my own. It is very personal now. And without His birth into mortality, none of this would be possible. I would be in despair. So, Christmas feels different to me now. His birth means something different to me now. It isn't a nice story about a mother who had to ride/walk almost 100 miles while she was nine months pregnant only to give birth to the very Son of God in a stable filled with animals and who knows what else.... it isn't about some sleepy shepherds on a hill that were unexpectedly visited by angels telling of one of the greatest moments the earth had ever and will ever see. His birth matters so much because of what Christ came to do and the sacrifices made by his earthly mother and father so He could do it. Because I feel how personally and desperately I need Him, I rejoice, as did the angels, when I think about His birth. I rejoice in the King of Kings that came to save us from death and sin and from mortality. These truly are glad tidings of great joy. I am happy that I am not missing Christmas this year.
Me and Jason were lucky enough to attend the Millennial Choirs and Orchestras concert, Rejoice, last week. It was one of the highlights of this holiday season. Truly amazing! My beautiful and dear friend, Kelly, sang in the performance. They sang one of my favorite Christmas songs: O Come, O Come Emmanuel. I feel this song captures the desperate need we have for a Savior. His birth was a truly a time for rejoicing. Listening to this song in person was so powerful and emotional. The conductor gave an explanation of this particular arrangement (which I wish I could remember and regurgitate because it helped me understand and appreciate the performance so much more). It's quite a long song and so much better in person, but this is better than nothing.
I also really like this version of the same song by Vocal Point. It is much shorter and has a very different feel:
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