The perfect tree

Oh, it's the 5th...it's the 5th!  I had the most touching thing happen today.  I have to tell the backstory.  December of last year was our first 5th without Eli.  We had talked about getting a little Christmas tree for Eli's grave, but the idea was hard for me.  I was too upset that these were the kind things I got to buy him...things for his grave...things you find in the lawn and garden area.  It just isn't the same as buying soft blankets and cute onesies, and the reality of it was hard to swallow.  We happened to be at Wal-Mart a few days after we buried him...you should know how I feel about that place from my previous posts.  Jason thought it would be good for me to get out of the house.  We saw the ugliest, crappiest little trees you can even imagine.  Sparse and plastic looking and just awful.  There was no way I was buying THAT for Eli.  Sorry..I would rather have nothing.  It felt insulting, but Wal-Mart can be like that.

The 5th came and we hadn't "planned" on doing anything.  We didn't have an routines or traditions in place.  I didn't have anything in place in my life. Trying to wrap my head around the idea of finding the tree I wanted required a lot of steps...getting up, getting dressed, going to multiple stores, interacting with cashiers...  It was all I could do to keep breathing and moving.  That evening, my friend, Ashley, arrived at my door with a beautiful, tiny Christmas tree. It had no resemblance to the pathetic offerings Wal-mart supplied.

It was alive.  It was simple.  It was perfect.

It was what I wanted without ever seeing it.  I felt such gratitude and was overwhelmed that that this perfect, tiny tree for Eli had literally showed up at my front door.  It felt like a gift from God himself.

On the 6th we went to the cemetery to attend a candlelight vigil in memory of anyone that had lost a child.  We were able to take the tree to Eli.  His little grave was still so fresh...the dirt was wet...the grass dead.  The small rectangle of sod was still completely separated from the surrounding grass making it painfully obvious how big the hole was that they had dug for his casket.  Putting the little tree on top of his grave made it more bearable to look at.

This year I knew I wanted another Christmas tree.  I didn't feel like I was being too particular in my specifications.  I wanted it to be alive and I wanted it to be simple.  Little details mean a lot to me when it comes to some things and when it deals with Eli, the details hold special meaning.  We had no luck finding one.  I didn't think something like this would be so hard to find during this time of year, but it truly was.

Today came and we still didn't have a tree.  I wanted to take it to his grave tonight.  I needed to take one to his grave, but I didn't have one.  Our day suddenly filled up with other things and I didn't think it would happen.  I told myself I would find one another day and take it there, but that's not what I really wanted.  I called my friend and asked where she had found this rare thing.  There was no answer so I left a ridiculously long message trying to sound less desperate about getting the tree than I felt.

Just a couple of hours later I heard a knock at my door.  Ashley was there with a perfect little Christmas tree.  I gave her the biggest hug.  I really couldn't believe she was there...with the tree I NEEDED....again!  I really love this sweet, sweet friend.  I tried to express how much it meant to me and how truly grateful I was.  I think she understood something of how I felt despite my excessive talking...I tend to do that.  She said she had been thinking about Eli and the little tree for a few days and felt the spirit whispering to her...when she received my phone call, she sprung into action.  She must have literally stopped everything she was doing to get it to me so quickly.  It warmed my heart in a way I can't describe.  I feel so grateful she listened to a prompting.  Sometimes things seem so little, but as a grieving mother, it meant the world to me.  In a strange way, it was sweet that me and Jason couldn't find a tree.  One was provided...it felt straight from heaven.  I can't wait to take it to Eli tonight.