Alive

You go through a lot of emotions when someone tells you your child might die.  As we went home from the ultrasound, and for several days after that, I was keenly aware of how alive everything looked. I still am.  I went out to our garden (which is miraculously growing well this year), and saw how alive it looked. I looked around at the trees, grass, bushes, everything and was puzzled that EVERYTHING seemed to be growing. I don't even water some of those plants. I hardly notice that they are there. And let's not even talk about the weeds in my strawberry patch. They are alive and well. I felt like my baby wasn't going to have the same fate and it seemed unfair.
I saw Lincoln playing across the lawn and distinctly noticed his little arm hanging down by his side. I had never looked at it like that before. It was so beautiful... kind of chubby with beautifully smooth skin and 5 perfect fingers. I was sad because I knew that our baby boy's hand might  never hang down at his side like that. He might never throw a ball or swing his arms while he runs. 
It made me feel like the baby inside me was broken. He wasn't built right. He wasn't "normal" that was a terrible thing to experience. I would see other pregnant women and think: "Their baby is normal. I bet he can move his hands. I bet that mom hasn't even given it a second thought.  I bet his brain formed perfectly and his little heart, with all of its complexities, is totally normal." It made me feel alone.
I remember God telling me that "I made his body for his spirit... Not the other way around." He told me this long before I knew what his body looked like. As I have begun looking at the world differently, I can see the beauty in everything. God made everything just as he intended to. He doesn't "mess up." Everything he has made is beautiful, but I didn't always recognize the beauty in it. I usually notice a beautiful sunset or a rainbow, but I'm not sure I notice smaller, less obvious creations, with the same awe. Look around when you go outside. It won't take you long to see craftsmanship of God in virtually everything. He is God of perfection.
There's nothing wrong or broken with my baby. He is the exact creation God intended. The doctors have to "explain" what "happened" to his body. They have to break it down to a molecular level so we can all "understand" and feel better about it. God had already explained it to me.  He is EXACTLY the way he is supposed to be. What an interesting paradigm shift this is for me. I know that God works with the medium of eternity and not mortality.  I know that our baby's life will continue for eternity.