Kisses from Heaven

On  the 5th of every month, someone leaves 5 Hershey kisses on our front porch.  We don't know who this sweet person is.  We take them to the cemetery and pass them out telling the kids they are kisses from Eli.

Since a year has past now, I wondered if the kisses would stop.  In general, people are done talking about your grief before you are...you are never really done.  I have watched the differing responses to me over the many months.  I don't feel as judgmental as I used to about it.  Some never offered condolences...maybe it was too awkward.  Some were "done" after the memorial when things were just starting for me. Some continued in their sensitivity for weeks and months.  But as time has worn on, less and less people will ask me how I am or how I am feeling.  That has been hard as I have attended family and social gatherings, but I have learned how to deal with it (or avoid the gatherings...).  Some people are healing, some people are like salt in a wound and others and neither helpful or unhelpful.  I have accepted (somewhat) that people move on with their lives.  They have processed what has happened in your life even if you haven't and it doesn't occur to them that you are still hurting...a lot... and would love to talk about it...even for a minute or two.  Or, people are not sure what to say so they avoid the whole thing...either way, there is a lot less talking about Eli and a lot more talking about things I couldn't care less about it.

I also found that some people treated me like a fire and finally approached me after months....maybe thinking things had blown over by now and the fire was out, so we could talk about the mundane.  Through all of this, I have found some acceptance of this (because there's not much I can do about it)  and I knew that the kisses might stop at the pivotal 1 year mark.  I think I was bracing myself for it and it was okay.  I don't feel the need to talk constantly about Eli and my broken heart and I feel grateful for the wonderful kindnesses that have been shown to our family, so I felt I could take it if another person was "done" with doing this sweet thing.  It would be okay.

I was pretty surprised when I pulled out of the driveway again, after 14 months,  and saw a little bag of kisses hanging on the doorknob of our front door.  Someone remembered and they didn't have to.  I'm sure whoever does this for us has a million other things to think about and do...I'm sure their life is busy and chaotic at times, and yet, there they were...our kisses.  The smallest things mean so much to me.

Remembering Eli means so much to me.