It has been awhile since I have written. I find that I need not just quiet, but stillness, to formulate my thoughts into words. I would not describe my home as a place of "stillness" most of my waking hours. Why don't we do year round school anymore?
As I pondered about the fact that it has been 9 months since Eli was born, my mind immediately went to what "9 months" usually conjures up. I now stand at a place in time where Eli has been gone as long as he was here. It has been 9 months since he was born. I think back to my pregnancy and can scarcely believe that it was really 9 months long. I think about the 9 months that have passed since he died and I can scarcely believe it has only been 9 months. It doesn't ever seem like we are quite content with how time passes. It moves either too slowly or too quickly.
A very strange thing happened to me today. I have had some problems with my shoulder since December. I probably got a little too excited during a few too many workouts; go figure. Whenever I have a problem with a certain muscle or joint I wait it out because "time heals everything," right? If the problem persists, I call my brother Tyler, because he conveniently became a physical therapist, so I can have all my questions answered. I called him and did what he said, (It was probably hard for him to totally evaluate the problem over the phone). My wait it out and see followed by a phone call to Tyler has always worked in the past. Well, here we are 8 months later and nothing has gotten better, so he told me to go see a physical therapist in person. I couldn't go to him because he lives 14 hours away. How inconvenient. But it just so happens that my cousin, Justin, is becoming a physical therapist as well and works at a physical therapy office. He said I could bring my kids with me and he would entertain him. He knows them pretty well and he still said I could bring them....I'm not sure he knew what he was getting into. They are not calm, sitting down kind of kids....like EVER! Especially Lincoln. I can't even get him to sit down at meals. So, off we all went to the appointment.
I had to put on a hospital gown for part of the assessment. I thought to myself, "You must be joking. I'm not putting that on." The last time I wore a hospital gown was EXACTLY 9 months ago. EXACTLY. I couldn't look at the gown the same way. It didn't seem like an inanimate object anymore. There was too much wrapped up on a little piece of scratchy fabric. I remembered my thoughts from the hospital. I had such a hard time putting the gown on when we checked in to deliver Eli. I knew that once I took it off again my life would never be the same. And the strangest thing is that last time I put a gown on, I had to take off my Team G shirt. I was wearing my Team G shirt today as well (because it is the 5th). I'm pretty sure all hospital gowns are made out of the exact same fabric.
I told the physical therapist that the last time I wore a gown like this I had delivered a baby. He laughed; not sure why that would be funny no matter what the outcome, but maybe it was a nervous laugh like "why are you telling me this?" He said how nice that was. I had to break the news at some point in the conversation that my baby had died. I wasn't feeling like an emotional wreck today which is the only reason I could put that gown on in the first place, so I was able to say it (probably a little too matter-of-factly). He stopped laughing.
At the end of the appointment Lincoln needed to use the bathroom. He is OBSESSED with public restrooms. LOVES THEM! I will tell you more about that another time. We went in the bathroom and I washed my hands and realized that the sink in this bathroom (which is an intermountain facility) was the same sinks they have at the hospital (also an intermountain facility). You might think it's funny that I remember the sinks, but I did work at the hospital for five years and had plenty of potty breaks in that time. The faucets have a certain feel. And the soap is the same. Yep, exactly the same smell.
It felt really odd to put on the hospital gown that I wore 9 months ago...who knows...maybe it was the same one. They all go to the central laundry. Then I washed my hands in that same sink with the same soap. That was a lot of senses to stimulate and a lot of unexpected things to be reminded of.
But besides all of that----- the appointment was just fine. Who knew I would have such an adventure at physical therapy?
