Public Potty Time

Lincoln loves public restrooms.  I'm not sure why this strange fetish, but anytime we go ANYWHERE, he excitedly announces that he needs to use the bathroom.  I have seen some pretty raunchy bathrooms now.  I always allow an extra five minutes when we go to park or grocery store or the school.  He has a strange habit of doing his #2 in public restrooms.  I feel like he just saves it until we get there because it is so fun to sit on a new potty.  I am a bit of a germaphobe.  I don't like public bathrooms in general and try to avoid them unless it is absolutely necessary.  I am not avoiding many these days.  He is a far cry from Ethan who would not go in ANY potty except the ones at our house and his infamous "froggy potty."  Froggy potty is a little potty that looks like a frog...very creative.  I would have to take the froggy potty everywhere.  I dumped pee in the Walmart parking lot more than once.  It was pretty gross and frustrating, but he has since gotten over his fear.  I would almost prefer Lincoln's fetish to toting froggy potty in my trunk.  

Why

Why?

This seems to be a standard question at many ages.  Lincoln is sitting here asking me why his  pajamas are shorts instead of pants.  He seems displeased with the shorter length.  I try to explain that they are shorts so he won't get too hot in the summer while he sleeps.  He doesn't like any of my answers, so finally I just tell him "I don't know..." and he seems content.

I have asked that question in my life; different contexts, same question.  Sometimes the answer of  keeping cool in the summer suffices.  Other times it does not.  Sometimes the best answer is: I don't know.  I just don't know.

I never really thought of myself as an overly logical person.  I have plenty of emotions.  Pre Eli I felt I was fairly competent at containing them in a socially appropriate or peace keeping manner (if I wanted to).  I had a lot of emotions so I figured I was just an emotional person as opposed to a logical person.  I know we are all both, on some level, but the I am getting to know myself in a whole new way.  I am seeing what happens when pain takes hold and it cuts away the outer layer and lets you see a new part of yourself.  Here is an odd thing that I have discovered about myself.  I am quite logical.  I don't want to "allow" myself to feel something unless I think there is a good reason to.  I don't give myself permission to unless I can logically justify it.  At first, I justified everything.  Eli had JUST died, so I was allowed to feel however I wanted to.  As time has gone on, I look at the situation, my knowledge and insight I have gained, the amount of time that has passed and I weigh whether or not I am "allowed" to feel a certain way.  If you are logical at all, you can see this is a flawed approach to anything....especially grief.  It suggests that emotions are always controlled and come at appropriate times in appropriate places.  Emotions are always measured responses to a specific situation.  I have to reconstruct what logically is happening to allow myself to feel whatever I am feeling.  I usually fall back on the "my child died" phrase and realize that I probably am "allowed" to feel whatever is going on.

I sometimes want to explain why yesterday I saw the empty bassinet downstairs (that was too big to fit in a black garbage bag like everything else) and was okay with it, and the next day I was sobbing about it and couldn't look at it.  I want to explain why one day I am okay with someone toting their baby around, and the next day I can hardly stand the same sight.  Why I can drive to the cemetery and see that his body is there and this is just the way it will be until I die or the millennium happens and other days I can't stand the thought of going on another day with this situation.  I feel like it should flow in a linear fashion; prefereably with a timeline.  A certain situation or thought should get easier or better over a predictable period of time (with no backtracking, for heaven sakes!)

People tell you that grief is like an ocean tide, ebbing and flowing.  It washes over you one day and just touched your toes on other days.  The ocean is unpredictable and great storms can arise out of nowhere.  I get that nature does that, but I don't do that. I am in control.  I want to be in control of something.  When I give myself permission to "feel" something, I am in control of that...the permission part.  It is a pretty hard thing to let go of that control.  Things aren't always as logical as they should be.

Sometimes I have an extremely difficult day and I feel myself asking, "What happenened?"  (or other people ask me what happened). If something "happened" I am okay feeling a certain way.  If nothing happened, I try to deflect how I feel.

Well, I'll tell you what happened.  Someone I love died!  And that's just the way it is!  It isn't logical.
Maybe that is okay.  Maybe I don't have to explain myself to myself.  Maybe one person should allow it and the one person should be me.

Pretzel Injuries

Today Lincoln was eating pretzels and a sharp corner of one of the pretzels poked his mouth.  He was upset.  He walked into a completely different part of the house to find me.  He told me his plight.  I told him I was sorry and validated that he was hurt.  I gave him a kiss at the point of injury and he walked away content.  It was a 15 second interaction.

It started me thinking about what had just happened.  I never "taught" Lincoln that he needed to come find me when he was hurt.  It was just natural for him to.  I never told him that he would feel better if I gave him a kiss.  I must have done it one time and it soothed him a little, so he set this up as the standard practice after he got hurt; whether the injury was big or small.  When he comes to me I don't lecture him about eating his pretzels more carefully.  I don't tell him that lots of kids eat pretzels and they seem to know how to do it without getting hurt.  I don't tell him that he has to pay the price if he wants to eat such a dangerous food.  I try not to tell him he will be fine and to run along.  I just tell him I am sorry he is hurt and give him a hug or a kiss.  I validate his feelings and do what I can to help him feel better.  I don't think a hug or kiss necessarily takes away his physical pain, but it helps him to know that I am right there with him and I am sorry he is feeling that pain or hurt.  

I think this very simple and natural idea could go a long way with my interactions with others.  Validate their pain, hurt, anger, grief, sadness, whatever and do what I can to let them know I am there and I want to help even if  I can't do much to take their pain away.  Wouldn't that be a better way than the exhausting ritual of rationalizing my own bad behavior when I act frustrated or too busy or too tired to sympathize with them?  Wouldn't that be better than convincing myself that I know nothing about their experience to offer help so I should keep my distance?  A simple, I'm sorry....you are not alone in this moment.  

New look

Every time I get on the computer to blog, I cringe when I see the look of my blog.  I'm not sure why I hate it so much.  Maybe there was too much going on.  Maybe I was sick of the font.  Maybe I just needed a change.  I actually considered changing the name of my blog several months ago.  I wasn't sure if Happy Gause Family was correct... I wanted to take out the Happy part.  (At least at that moment).  I'm not sure why I ever called it that at all except that the name was available or something.  Anyways, I am not super savvy with the blogger templates or anything.  I like to write, but I can't always make it look pretty.  But, at least it looks different for now...it made me feel better and I like the new name a little more.

Washington DC

Jason had a business trip to Washington DC and I decided to join him.  This is the first time we have ever done something like this.  I always felt our kids were too small and it wasn't feasible.  I am beginning to feel like quite a traveler, which is not something I did a lot of before we had Eli.  It has just worked out that I have been able to go on these work related trip with Jason recently.  Jason has been to DC a couple of time before on business and he told me it was a must see place. After going, I agree.  Even though he was there on business we did a TON of sight seeing during his down time.  I totally relaxed and slept in while he was working.  It was incredibly rejuvenating for me, but I think Jason was exhausted after the trip.  We went to the National Archives and saw the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights and the Constitution.  There was a reverence in that building that was very distinct.  These documents are sacred.  We went to Ford's theater where Lincoln was assassinated.  We went to the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington monument, the reflecting pond, and Arlington National Cemetery.  I had a lot of thoughts while in Arlington.  I think I have a deeper reverence and respect for the people buried there than I could have before Eli.  I understand that the battle that they fought is really no different from the battle that was fought before we came to Earth.  It is the battle for agency....for freedom, as we like to say.  They gave their lives defending the same rights as we fought for a long, long time ago.  We saw the tomb of the unknown soldier.  I would like to write all about that, but most of it can't be put into words and I am too tired to try right now.  The one thing I can say is that it is absolutely silent besides the sounds that come from the guards movement with his shoes and gun.  It was really something you have to see in person.  It was such an honor to sit there for a few minutes.  We also saw several babies buried in the cemetery (which I wasn't expecting).  We also went to China Town and ate at a place that wasn't quite as good as PF Chang's.  I was a bit surprised by that.  It was such a great trip.

Preschool

Lincoln started preschool.  It wasn't a HUGE deal because he went to the same preschool last year.  He was so excited to go.  After looking at the pictures I took, I realized that he is a lot bigger than last year : (

...but he's not too big for Tiger.