Another "what to do" post...

Well, here I go again on the topic of "what to do..."  Two different people sent me the first article, which was interesting.  It surprising, when I read these, how much I agreed with.  I don't feel all of these things, but a lot of them. I think there is a lot of universal feelings that people experience, but I never would have know these things before this experience.  I read and just nod my head.  I guess its nice in some ways to realize that I'm not the only person who has felt these things.

What I wish more people understood about losing a child

11 things to do when you're not sure what to do

Be Still My Soul

I really like this version of Be Still My Soul.  I just thought I should make sure that everyone knows I don't just listen to depressing music with dead trees.  There is a lot of variety on my playlist:

Be Still My Soul

Owning yourself

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.  If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened.  But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.  

-Friedrich Nietzsche

I have struggled a lot with the social ramifications of this process. I mentioned, at one point, that I wasn't sure if I would rather have a "trial" be this public knowledge or not.  I would probably say no today and no most days.  But, I also realize that there are many additional lessons to be learned by the nature of this being public knowledge.  People have to respond in some way, even if there is no response.  No response is an equally loud response.  I NEVER would have invited this sort of thing into my life....meaning the public part.  I am certain of that.   And because I never would have invited it, I never would have learned any of this.  

I feel like I am learning to "own" myself regardless of how people act or react to me.  I am trying, at least.  There have plenty of opportunities for this.  Some people have been down right malicious, some people just completely ignorant, some people want to know and imagine, others won't even look at you for fear of being able to imagine, some people are kind and unafraid, some people are kind, but very afraid, and many people talk to me in reference to how this has affected them; which is valid in its own right, but hard for me to hear at times, because they seem to have a full resolution and I don't.   No wonder I want to go in a cave and wait until I heal a little more before coming out and facing this part of it.  Lots of patterns, lots of social science.  I'm sure someone has written a book about this;  A book about other people respond to your grief.   I could write a book about it.  I don't think I will. 

And what about this idea of "owning yourself?"  I like how he says that it is a "privilege" to own yourself.  It sure sounds nice and empowering, but what does it mean exactly?  Maybe it is a little different for everyone, but here is what is means to me today.  

You are the best person you can be regardless of how other people treat you or act towards you.  You are not influenced by how people view you and you do not make decisions based on how you think someone will respond. You make decisions based on what is right.  You are honest with yourself and don't justify your bad behavior when it might be easy to.  You treatment of other people has nothing to do with how kind or unkind they are towards you.  You don't let anyone change you except God.  You seek the change He tried to make in you even though it might be painful and difficult.  You are humble in this change even though the admission of your weaknesses might feel embarrassing (even though He already knows).  It might be embarrassing to yourself.  You don't do what everyone else is doing without consulting yourself first to see if that is what you should be doing.  You are in control of yourself.  

I think this takes time.  It takes quiet and stillness.  It takes communion with God.

Like I said, I am trying, but it is something worth paying the price for.

You are my sunshine

I used to sing "You are my Sunshine" to Ethan every night.  I'm not sure when I stopped, but I think I need to start again.  It wasn't a haphazardly picked song.  It was very much meant for him...the first verse at least:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy when skies are grey.

You'll never know dear how much I love you.

Please don't take my sunshine away.

Ethan has a very sweet and tender spirit.  I feel a nearness with him that doesn't come the same way as it does with Katelyn and Lincoln.  He is sensitive and thoughtful and, I can imagine, he will be a wonderful husband and father someday.  I feel especially tender towards Ethan during this time because I feel that he and Eli have a special bond that began long before this life and can reach through the veil.  There are parts of Ethan that remind me of Eli; physical and spiritual.  So many similarities...even with the process of getting them here was interestingly similar.  I guess it's fitting that the second verse of that song currently belongs to Ethan's little brother, Eli:

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping,

I dreamed I held you in my arms.

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken.

So, I hung my head and cried.

That is exactly what happened.

Facing Fear

I'm not sure what my worst fear used to be?  I think losing a child was pretty high on the list.  Maybe first or second. I don't know. I didn't usually review this list but kept in the back of my mind hoping that no one would see it.
Now, I feel like I have had to face this and I haven't been dodgy about it. I wanted to face it head on.  I know there is beauty in, at least, that, and I don't like the idea of running in fear.  It is unbecoming of a Gause.   As I have tried to do this, I have watched other people. 

Some  people are too afraid of their own fear to watch me face mine.  I think it is liberating in some ways to have this happen.  That sounds weird, but I'm not afraid it will happen because it already did. And being afraid of your worst fear can be worse than facing it in some ways.  You get to see it for what it is.  I think we run because it is an act of self preservation. It is hard for someone to stand by you as you grieve because they are too scared of their own worst fear.  People want to think that if they stay away from the thought of it, the sight of it, and reminder of it, that some how "fate" will overlook them and they will be go through this life without too many bumps or bruises, and certainly without an amputation.  I have seen this in myself.  I never would have even said (out loud) that one of my children might die.  It's too scary.  Its like you are tempting fate (as if that's what happens).  If I don't talk about it, it means I don't know about it, therefore it will never happen. I remember talking about life insurance. No on likes to talk about it, because you have to say and think things like, "If you die...."  and then you really have to think about it... at least from a financial standpoint. We want to stay far, far away from that.  I feel like I am less afraid now. I don't like to talk about people dying or terrible things happening, but I know it makes no difference if I talk about it or not.  Keeping quiet won't change the future.  I know that it is totally possible that another one of my family members could die.  I don't want them to, but I don't pretend like it couldn't happen (like I used to try to), because it certainly could. 

Maybe that's one of the gifts of this for me.  I see mortality for what it is.  I see it as temporary for everyone.

I also realize that there are worse things than death.

Nobody knows what I'm talking about

I was talking with a friend a month or so ago.  Midway through the conversation, I had the realization that this friend had no idea what I was talking about.  It have seen this many times since.  I'm sure many people haven't known what I'm saying, but I just expected everyone to keep up.  There are new truths that are so solidified in my brain, that I forget that I didn't know that a year ago.  I hadn't considered many of these things a year ago because it just didn't matter at the time.  As I talk sometimes, I see a look of puzzlement.  I feel like I am living in an alternate reality and speaking in a different language.  Sorry if you have no idea what I'm talking about.  I'm not upset about it, so I hope you aren't either.  I know that I can talk to one person who knows what I'm saying.  I'm happy about that.

Did I skip a step?

Mosiah 18:9 says: "Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life."

I haven't always understood the difference between that first part, mourning and comforting, or perhaps I just read it too fast and thought it was one complete thought.  It isn't.  I should have FIRST mourned with those that mourn.  Let that part happen.  It is hard to comfort someone when you haven't mourned with them first.  Or it is hard for them to feel that comfort.  Of course, I am speaking from my own experience.  "Mourning" probably doesn't appeal to some people.  HOW do you do that?  It isn't as easy to objectify as "comfort" so we do the part we can comprehend.  I'm not going to go on and on about mourning because this part seems so spiritual in nature and people seem to get it or not.  Wordiness doesn't help in this case.

Joseph F. Smith said:

It is a very difficult matter to say anything at a time of sorrow and bereavement like the present that will give immediate relief to the sorrowing hearts of those who mourn. Such griefs can only be fully relieved by the lapse of time and the influence of the good spirit upon the hearts of those that mourn, by which they can obtain comfort and satisfaction in their hopes of the future. …

First the mourning comes, then the comfort comes....hence the scripture. 

[To Elder Joseph H. Dean in Oahu, Hawaii, President Joseph F. Smith wrote:] I heard with deep sympathy of the death of your baby at home. I knew how to sympathize, for I passed through the same kind of bitter experience myself while there. I would have written you, but I judged you by myself and refrained from doing so. Under such circumstances I feel more like going into some distant quiet, lonely retreat, where no eye but that of God beheld me, and there, alone, feel and sense my grief, God only knowing it. … Time, and time only—that great healer of wounds—can touch my soul, and I think you would no doubt feel the same. But when the first poignant throes of grief are passed and the soul is calmed by time and fate, then a word fitly spoken may touch the tender chord of fellowship flowing from heart to heart in kindred sorrows. 

I love how he talks about going to a "some distant, quite, lonely retreat..."  I expressed this idea to Jason before reading this. I told him I wanted to go somewhere.....maybe a secluded mountain in Tibet.....somewhere far away and just be by myself.  I needed quiet and calm and peace and clearer access to the spirit.  It seemed that my conduit up to heaven would open and close and open and close with the busyness and noise of life.  Even the good busyness and noise made that connection seem less tangible and I needed to be alone because I felt that was the only way to keep it open.  I didn't get to go to Tibet, but I have retreated in other ways.

Back to the idea of mourning before we comfort:  It seemed that so few people that crossed my path did this, meaning taking time to mourn before comforting, making it more complicated for me.  As I reflect back, I think that many people did this around the time of Eli's graveside service and memorial, but not as much after that.   Perhaps they did this on their own, in their own quiet, thinking that doing that in front of me, or side by side with me, would be a bad idea? I think they were ready to move to the next phase....bringing comfort.  I wasn't there yet.  I wasn't there for some time.  In fact, some attempts to comfort me were very hard to listen to.  I didn't care that Eli was going to be resurrected someday.  I wanted him back now!  I was sad now!  He was gone now!  And, some people skip the mourning all together.  I was probably one of them, in the past.  What's the point to being sad for someone?  What is that going to accomplish?  I think a "doer" has a hard time with this idea.  But, it is amazing how much strength can be felt from someone feeling part of your pain.  That has been more helpful than ANY other thing.  I  know I need to be understanding that people are trying to help and doing their best.  It seems that those that are receiving the help are supposed to see it as such and be grateful that it is there, whether it actually helps of not. Great, it you have a lot of emotional stamina and reserves.  I had none.  I have a little more now. I understand things a little better now and feel such strength when people try at all even if they say of do something that isn't helpful.  Their intent and desire outweighs the actual action and words.  I see this better now. I am trying to be patient with others  I hope that others will be patient with me.  

I still feel like there are times when I just need to mourn.  When I need to cry and feel that yearning for Eli.  There are times when I just want to hold him and love him and thinking about a distant day seems too far.  Sometimes I am only living in that day; The day when I heard a newborn cry and it wasn't mine, but I wanted it be. The day when I saw someone with a tiny bundle in their arms and a glow on their face and my arms were empty and my head was hanging down.  Days when it isn't necessarily helpful to remind me that he will live again someday.  There are times when I am only thinking about today.  

But how would a friend know the difference?  How would you know if a person needs a mourning companion or comforter?  I have no idea.  Sorry.  I just confuse everyone, including myself.  I'm not asking for it now, but just stating something that wasn't so obvious to me before this. I see the difference of mourning and comforting and the necessity of both and that will change how I conduct myself in the future.  I am grateful to have a different understanding of that scripture. I have received an excellent education in it.